


Where I end and you begin   -   The Midnight Cowboy

by Human_Being



Series: Where I end and you begin [1]
Category: Ranma 1/2
Genre: Angst, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-01-19
Updated: 2014-06-25
Packaged: 2018-01-09 06:07:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 39,406
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1142377
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Human_Being/pseuds/Human_Being
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Close to his thirties, Ranma Saotome dives into his past to revisit his life; and seek what he had lost. - Yaoi fic, angst, Ranma-centric (POV).</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: Ranma 1/2 does not belong to me. It´s Takahashi-sama´s
> 
> Warning: This will be yaoi fic, thus has rather explicit content and situations, strong language and male/male interaction. Also, this is a rather angsty fic, so don't expect the usual comedy from the canon.  
> If you feel offended, you can always hit the "back" button.
> 
> OBS.: Fic formerly named as Brand – The Ranma Saotome's Memorial, deleted from my profile in FFnet to be revised and revisited, as the way it was before I got stuck and, frankly, reached a point I didn't know where to go. Many things have changed, however – but I hope whoever read this may have a good time.
> 
> This fic got a sister-fic which is supposed to be read together, named Where I end and you begin (The Day Tripper). It is a prequel and a sidestory to this one.
> 
> The title comes from "Where I end and you begin" from Radiohead; as the excerpts quoted on the prologue.
> 
> Then, on with the show.

 

 

 

* * *

**Prologue**  

* * *

_"I can watch but not take part_   
_Where I end and where you start"_

Radiohead - Where I end and you begin

* * *

Late at night, the glinting sound of the key unlocking the door was the only sound in the empty hall in the rather small, but fancy condo she called home. Once inside, she took off his shoes and tossed her things on a corner, heading to the kitchen to fix something to eat.

As much as her housemaid was a good cook, she preferred to do it by herself: she had a rather restrictive diet and no one better than her to know what she could or couldn't eat to prevent gaining unnecessary weight in fat. Not that she wasn't vain about her body, though. She was, and she knew precisely how beautiful said body was; but most of her efforts to keep it were a professional requirement, since being lean, slender and muscled were much better for business.

She ate in silence at the kitchen, not bothering to set a table in the dining room for that. Then she headed to her room to take a bath and clean up from the sweat of one more day of hard training. Inside the small tub, she turned the hot water, which immediately made its trick – the firm and well-built female form turned into the male finely muscled body of the high-end fighter he had become. He was very used to it by now, actually; and paid it no mind.

He had far more things in his head to think about.

It was a quick bath, though. He dressed to his boxers only, and sprawled himself on his futon to watch some TV. Which quickly bored him, too; as he turned out the TV sighed heavily. The silence and calm of his place was a soothing balm from time to time, but not today. Today, that calm was hauntingly hollow, and quickly filled by thoughts about… Everything. He laid his head on the pillows, letting out heavy sighs in a try to lighten the weight on his chest. Trying to sleep would do no good, either.

He rolled to his stomach, turning up a lamp just beside him and pulling a sketchbook and a pencil. No one would say he'd be someone to write down stuff on a notebook, but the few times he tried, emptying his thoughts on that sheets of paper helped him to ease his mind and the sensation something was missing inside of him. And helped him deal with his share on how and why he felt like this.

 _That_  would be hard as hell. He, the one who always wins, had his share of failure; and God knew how much he missed what he had lost.

The pencil started to scribble the paper, as the words poured from his head.

It would be a long night, anyway.

 

_"…And there will be no more lies."_

OOO

* * *

Yeah, you got it right – I am revising and reediting Brand into this fic. And I WILL finish this, be you all sure of it! Also, there will be a sister-fic which portraits the… other main character of this story. That one will be quite different from this fic, but they kind of complete themselves, in a way.

Then again, to the footnotes.

\- I know Ranma is normally portrayed as a not very bright guy, but you got to remember that now everybody is supposed to be older. So, it´s natural that Ranma's more confortable to talk about feelings and stuff.

\- Also, I also know Ranma is, until further irrevocable proof, straight on canon. But it's my fic, it's my world, I will put things this way and period. But I will get to explain how in hell it happened, and the unfolding of this.

Then again, pardon the typing and grammar mistakes, English may not be my mother tongue, but I´ll do my best to keep them from happening.

Stay tuned!

* * *

Human Being, 01/19/2014

 


	2. The Child is gone

 

* * *

**The Child is gone**

* * *

  
_"And your fear to be afraid of being afraid_  
doesn't turn my strength into confusion  
Your body is my mirror, in which I sail away  
But the way you drift lacks a sense of direction"  
Daniel na Cova dos Leões – Legião Urbana (free translation to English)

...

_~Ranma Saotome's journal – first entry_.

It´s funny to see my own life on perspective, like this. Can be a truly revealing experience. Looking back, it´s really easy to identify all the fails and mistakes that led me to here and now. From others, but most especially mine.

Sure, I lived an interesting life. Hell, isn´t it an understatement, my life was insane. My father was less than wise, some of his decisions towards me were disastrous, to say the least, and the Jusenkyo curse didn´t help at all. Also, I truly was a magnet for insane situations and insane people. But, after all, I liked it.

Felt sort of secure, in a way.

But despite that, this life was the one set up for me by my parents at the very moment I was born. It was not supposed to be mine to live, my love was not supposed to be mine to give. For a lot of time I resented that. But, what if things were different? If I could´ve chosen my path from the beginning, woudn´t I trap myself on a lie of my own? I don´t know. Maybe my strength lies exactly in the fact that, somehow, I tried to live the life that they made up for me, and I tried my best; but failed miserably.

And it's not only me, you know. Anyway, what kind of crazy shit happens when a tornado meets a volcano?

Oh, sorry, I'm ahead of myself already. Might as well start from the beginning... Ok, not really the beginning, but at least the beginning of the end.

As said the song, the end of the world as I knew it.

After the failed wedding and Jusendo, my life drifted to something that could even resemble normality. My other fiancées settled down a little, maybe of guilt for crashing the ceremony. I and Akane continued to live our lives as if nothing happened, but she seemed to calm a bit, and I grew a little closer to her. Everything was fine, and as almost two years passed, it stayed fine. Of course, if someone brought the wedding issue again we would freak out, and this way we managed to postpone another attempt to marry us. At some point Akane decided she would apply to college, despite Mr. Tendo´s annoyance. Seeing the opportunity, I backed her up and went all for it, even applying for college myself.

Back then I liked her a lot, and even thought I loved her, but I knew we were not ready for even considering a relationship. At least, I knew for sure I wasn't.

Truth is that my knowledge and experiences about feelings and relationship were almost none. With the life-on-the-go I use to have, it´s no wonder that I had such a few friends, let alone girlfriends. Girls were a totally uncharted territory to me, even to think about them as friends only.

I had very little training in social skills, and almost zero in sexual matters. To be honest, the first sexual situations I was ever exposed to came from the nature of my curse – yes, the infamous kiss Mikado Sanzenin stole from me in my girl form. Great, huh? Then, confused as hell, I suppressed most of my sexual urges with my control as a martial artist and my obsession by the Art itself. Sure, I could think about sex and pleasure myself as a guy, but even this felt weird, like if it was someone else doing it in my body, not me.

Until then, I never felt the lust and infatuation my peers described to be so overwhelming; and I thought it to be a good thing. I saw it as for weaklings, for people like Kuno. I truly believed that all of this about lust, infatuation, physical attraction and so was way overstated, never really imagined myself going through something like that, and saw absolutely no problem in it.

Until the day it happened to me.

It is said that one single event can change your life, and mine did when I was eighteen. Life was doing fine, when madness came to knock at my door again.

I received a phone call from Akari, Ryoga´s steady for almost two years by then, saying that she was very concerned because he went missing on a so-called training trip.

Now, let's clarify things: I know that, for the Ryoga Hibiki we all used to know so well, getting lost in a training trip was not only normal, but expected. But then again, some things had changed for the Lost Boy.

For starters, he wasn't so 'lost' anymore. After he got into a relationship with Akari and joined her in her sumo wrestling pigs farm, Ryoga managed to get lost much less than usual. I didn't know then if it had to do with the fact he wasn't getting lost so often, or with his relationship with Akari, or them both; but he was changing, picking up with normal life: stopping his acts as P-chan, quitting his obsession over Akane, keeping up with school again. To his credit, he wasn't stupid at all – Sure no one will remember him as the brightest dude in the pack or whatever, but if we come to think of it, I am a living proof that back in Junior High he got lost an awful lot, but managed to keep up to the rest of the class. Also, his directional issues did have its advantages: the guy could speak a lot of languages and knew a lot of different cultures.

Anyway, despite Akari´s good influences, Ryoga still had some issues on his own. Granted, he was less prone to his usual mood swings and his raging temper wasn't always getting the best of him as before, (which, by the way, was great for his martial skills); but he still used to get depressed a lot and certainly still could hold a grudge forever. And he had a terrible time dealing with his curse. So, of course he didn't stop his martial training and neither stopped seeking for a cure for 'P-chan'.

Then, somehow in the middle of a training trip, he managed to get involved with a demon wizard who could control water, ice and the temperature; my bets he was seeking for another promise of cure since Jusenkyo and nannichuan were hopeless. Rumors had he was about to win the match against the demon, but things went wrong and, by the time Akari called, he went missing in the mountains' woods in the middle of a clearly unnatural snow storm.

Well, despite our differences he was the closest thing I had as a best friend, so I couldn´t go and leave him alone. I packed my things and went after him. Getting there at the forest, things were worse than I thought. Ryoga was kicking the demon's ass, yes, but as the warlock struck back he was generating a terrible snowstorm that would freeze the Lost Boy to death. I made him retreat for a while, so we could figure out a way to win without turning into ice statues in the process.

At first, he wasn't exactly happy to see me. He'd thought I had given up the hopes of finding a cure for our curses, and I had to put some sense into his head; what was, to his credit, much easier than I thought. Clearly there would be no cure there, and honestly I ever doubted that we would find it someday. Then we made ourselves a shelter in a small cave nearby, which could protect us from the icy wind of the storm, and we figured out a way to vanquish the wizard for good.

The battle came, and as usual it was way less smooth than expected. But somehow we managed to win. But what I didn´t expect was that the wizard's vanquishing would make the snowstorm tenfold worse. As a result we got caught in the middle of that, dangerously close to a frozen river, while Ryoga had just finished the demon warlock with a Shi Shi Hokodan. The wind was truly icy, and the blast sent us in the very direction of the river. As we landed, I got splashed with some cold water and turned female instantly.

"Hey, you damn idiot, watch out! If you get wet, you'll freeze to death!" Ryoga shouted at me, while he managed to avoid the spree of water. I was about to shout back an insult, when an earthquake shook our ground. As I steadied myself I realized where Ryoga was, and my blood ran colder than the icy weather that he warned me about.

He was kneeling over the frozen surface of the river, which could break at any time under his weight. As the wind was in his direction, he was trying to protect his eyes, so he couldn't see very clearly as I could.

"Ryoga, don't move! DON´T YOU MOVE!"

"What? Can't hear you!"

"DON´T MOVE, DAMMIT!"

When he lowered his eyes and saw the beneath his feet ice crackling; another earthquake ensued, this one even stronger. Much stronger. Ryoga somehow managed to stand on his feet, but the second earthquake took his balance and he fell on his knees, broke the ice and fell in the river.

"SHIT!" I tried to reach him, but the rest of the ice covering the waters broke as well, letting the bottom waters to flow and carry him away. I ran along the margin of the river, feeling the temperature fall dangerously. "Curse you, stupid pig-butt!"

The situation was bad: Ryoga turned to P-chan, got entangled in his clothes, carried away by the stream. As I could see, he didn´t reach surface to gasp for air in a good while, and the water was very, very, very cold; even more so for a small piglet. I was running for dear life when I realized his clothes got trapped in some bushes. But in order to get them I would have to wet myself. Cursing and cussing I undressed to my boxers only and got inside the water, feeling my body ache with the extreme cold. His cursed form was entangled in his yellow blouse, icy cold and not breathing. I dried myself with my tanktop, dressed as quick as I could and sprinted to the shelter with the piglet and his wet clothes.

As I got there, I realized the shelter was too small for making a fire inside of it, and I needed to warm some water fast to turn Ryoga back to human. Luckily I found a big thermos with warm water inside of his backpack and doused some on him. No turning back to human. I began to desperate, and drenched him with all the warm water of the thermos, not caring about changing to male myself. This time he did change back to his very naked human form, but he was not breathing. I started to compress his chest and make mouth-to-mouth breathing, and after several minutes he spurted a good lot of water and started to breathe on his own. But he was still unconscious, and even his breathing was shallow and irregular.

He was extremely hypothermic: pale as dead, with his lips and fingertips with a slight shade of purple. I had to warm him up, fast, or he would die of cold. I was shivering beyond my control; the cave we were in was too small to harbor us both and a fire and the snowstorm outside was certain death. I grabbed our sleeping bags and all our blankets, tossed him in and entered inside as well. I realized my best shot to keep him alive and me from plain hypothermia was using one another's body heat, and without thinking further I pressed close to a comatose Ryoga, entangling my legs on his and holding his chest against my own.

As time passed, I grew warmer and so he did. He didn't look as bad as before, the purplish color of his lips was gone. But his breathing was still weak and shallow, barely noticeable, and he was frighteningly still. I was scared: he spent a lot of time under the water; one could wonder if he got some degree of brain damage by lack of oxygen, but I knew he was a really tough guy and, in this case, the hypothermia could actually be helpful. I tried to wake him up, no use. He was still cold, so I pressed closer.

I never, ever  _willed_  to be physically so close to anyone to anyone, until so. Sometimes I held Akane in my arms and, okay, there was Shampoo in the tub and that episode with Kiima disguised as Akane and other few ones; but that was different: not a trap, not a scheme – I was holding him, it wasn't someone rubbing on me. Of course, the entire situation would justify it all, but didn't stop me from realizing how close to his naked body I was. Imagining I would have some trouble explaining that to him, I pulled myself a little to check on him for any sign of consciousness.

Then it hit me.

I never really noticed, but the Ryoga I used to know was growing into a man. A really handsome one. Not that he wasn't a good-looking boy, he always had been despite his ever-present lack of concern for his looks; to the point I sometimes used to worry myself about how the other girls would react if he someday decided to quit the scruffy-looking style to something neat. But as his teenage years were ending, his face slenderized and hardened a bit, losing the babyish roundness it used to have; then even the things that didn't seem to 'fit' well ended up falling right in place.

His black hair was thick, sleek, almost covering his eyes, hiding his delineated eyebrows and an impressive set of black eyelashes. His chin and cheekbones were stronger, complying very well his nose and eyes. And his lips, parted as they were, seemed soft, yielding, not too slim and not too thick. His fangs weren't as proeminent as they used to be in his early teens. Actually, they complement his elongated teeth creating an interesting smile and a 'wolfish' aura on him, mixing his pretty features with a hint of danger. Too bad he smiles so little, I thought. His nose, however, was still something I, myself, always envied him for: slender, finely sculpted and a bit snubby; in his early teens it helped to give him an either angry or cocky look, but as his cheeks slenderized it grew to be seriously beautiful. One could even bet he never broke it despite his training to master Bakusai Tenketsu. Granted, the face I was looking at was a very attractive face of a young man. Not like mine, though: my face, despite being undeniably handsome, looked sometimes too much delicate, even male I resemble too much of my mother. Not to mention his body, though. Years of rough martial training gave him a well built and muscular body, which I was very aware of under my embrace.

But what was really messing with me was his scent. Not even Akane smelled that good. Nothing I knew smell that good. A musky, yet delicate scent that no essence could mimic. I was losing myself in that vision of him, feeling him getting warmer in my arms, the scent of him was flooding my nostrils and scrambling my brain, it wasn't even funny. His tanned skin was soft, remarkably soft for a man. Damn, I wasn't that soft myself. I can surely, positively say that I never, ever, ever in my entire life felt something like this sensorial overload.

But when I snapped out of it, I got terrified. So terrified that I jumped out of the sleeping bag, desperate to get away from all that. No use.  _He_  was branded in my mind, like a spell that could not be undone.

I was panting, my heart pounding into my chest, and as hard as I tried to deny it, I knew it was from arousal. Not even the cold cut it out of me.

I couldn't believe myself: Me, Ranma Saotome, heir of the Anything Goes Martial Arts School, betrothed in marriage to Akane Tendo, a man among men, was  _aroused_ by another man. Ryoga, no less. It was too much information to my brain to process, let alone to analyze and understand. But I knew I couldn't blame Ryoga, fast unconscious and trembling in the sleeping bag. Yet, that concept was impossible, it just couldn't BE.

So I did the only thing I could muster to save my face: I blamed the curse. I got out of the cave in the middle of the storm, grabbed some snow and put inside a pot, I had to turn male fast. I used the gas lamp to warm it, in the corner of my eye I could see Ryoga breathing less and less. I was trembling as well, I knew I had to go back to the sleeping bag and stay warm. As the water boiled I doused myself on the forearm and then turned male again. I saved some of the water on the pot and came back to the sleeping bag. I thought my problems were over, and cursed my curse again. A guy wasn't supposed to feel things like that, right?

Hah.

To my absolute horror, the sensations that flooded my senses as a girl didn't abandon me when I changed to a guy. As my true self, my body seemed to communicate faster to my brain. It actually got worse. A lot worse.

There was the scent, that absurd scent flooding my nostrils again. Feeling it as a guy was an even more intense experience, if possible. My rough and calloused hands were then touching his bare skin, with powerful muscles underneath. I realized what girls already know: chicks can conceal arousal better than guys. I closed my eyes and pressed myself onto him, my face was inches from his. I could feel his weak breath on my face, even this smelled good. I couldn't help it, almost brushing his lips with mine, my hands feeling his sides and the small of his back. I could feel my erection throbbing beneath my pants, almost painful.

Then I squeezed my eyes shut and summoned a word which always could cut out each and every sign of sexual manifestation I ever had, which was always used to offend me; but funny as it never sounded so appropriate:

Pervert.

I got out of the sleeping bag again. Blushing furiously, now with tears in my eyes. What the hell was happening to me? Why?

Realization hits: it was not the girl in me, not the curse who got aroused by the man. Because I am NOT a girl, not even when I wear a girl's body when I get wet. It was ME. Ranma. Male.

Pervert.

I pictured Akane looking at me, her familiar scowl on her face. I never wanted so hard to be malleted in my whole life.

Pervert.

Not Kuno, with his madness towards Fair Akane Tendo and the Pigtailed Goddess. Not Ryoga, with his obsession over Akane and his alter-ego P-chan. Not Mousse, with his masochist fixation on Shampoo. Not Happosai, with his geriatric lust over undergarments.

Me. Pervert.

Aroused by Ryoga. Pressing myself on him. Feeling his smell, rubbing myself on him, almost kissing him while he is unconscious. And it's not his fault. He can't even defend himself. He has a girlfriend; I have a fiancée, for fuck's sake.

Pervert.

I knew I needed to go back in the sleeping bag. If I didn't, he could die of cold. I couldn't, I… feared myself.

Pervert.

I stifled a sob. I couldn't cry, men don't cry.

Men don't get aroused by other men either.

I was no man, had never been. My God, I was…

A Pervert. Akane was right.

I grabbed the rest of the water I warmed to turn male. It's cold now. I douse myself and turn into a girl again. I almost felt relieved, as my body changed and hid my former erection.

Utterly defeated, cold and desperate, I went back to the sleeping bag. I knew what waited for me there.

His face; finally rid of the stormy distortion of his features by anger and settled into near perfection. His body, less warm because of my prolonged retreat, but still so soft under my touch. His scent... The arousal was there, but it didn't show. I was a girl.

I tried to control myself, not press too close. Hard thing to do inside of a sleeping bag, and suddenly I'd catch myself nuzzling my nose and my cheeks on his face, almost touching his lips.

Get a grip… pervert.

I didn't know how much time it took for the storm to end. As it ended, the temperature raised a little. Ryoga began to react, stirring a little. A while later, he groaned, and slowly opened his eyes.

"Ranma?"

I looked at him, trying my very best to act natural.

"Hyia, P-chan… you gave me a scare, you know." My voice was hoarse, he didn't notice.

"Uh…" I tried to stay as far as possible of his body as he began to feel himself under the sleeping bag. "Wha… Am I naked?"

"What did you expect? You managed to soak your clothes entirely and no way they could've dried in this storm."

"And you're still a girl?"

"Yeah, used the whole warm water to turn you back into a guy and maybe warm ya a little."

"Shit" He lowered his eyes, in embarrassment. If he knew…

"Do you have a spare inside your backpack? P-chan?"

"Guess so, at least a pair of trousers and a clean shirt."

"It's too cold for only that, you know."

"Why, genius, do YOU have a spare with you?"

"Uh, as much as you do… guess you'll have to wait until your clothes dry up"

"Yah. Besides I'm too sore to stand up now"

"I´ll put them out to dry, then." I got out of the sleeping bag and grabbed his damp clothes, then put them to dry in the front of the cave. It was still freezing outside, but the sky was sunny. When I got back inside, he was staring at me.

"Uh… Ranma…"

He looked at me with some confusion in his eyes. Confusion, but maybe something more. Can't say what, I didn't want to look too much to him.

"What?"

"Thanks."

"No problem."

"Uh… could you turn to your back? I´ll put some clothes on"

Normally I would crack a joke here. Something like taunting him being embarrassed of me being a girl. Couldn't do it anymore.

"Uh… okay."

He dressed to a pair of black trousers, shirt and socks.

"You decent?"

"Yup" He nods and gives some space for me in the sleeping bag. "Come inside here, it´s really cold."

"Okay."

As I was getting into the sleeping bag, he stammered.

"Uh…"

"Hm?"

"Won't you change back to a guy?"

My heart skipped a beat.

"Er, too much trouble to boil water without a fire, don'tcha think?"

"Oh, I see."

I got inside the sleeping bag, thanking every god I knew I was a girl at that moment. He seemed to be a little awkward and turned to his side, facing me but not pressing close as I did to warm him, not at all. But I really didn´t care at that moment. Surely he wasn't at the situation I was.

"So" I continued talking. "How do you feel?"

"Like hell."

"Still cold?"

"Yeah…" He was shivering a little.

With his eyes open, he managed to look even better than before. He has these big hazel eyes. And sometimes – when the light hits them just right – they are either golden or almost moss green.

As I needed to distract myself, we started some small talk about life in general. Actually, I never really talked like this to him – we were always too much busy fighting each other. It was funny, because, despite his mood swings, Ryoga could be a good talker and a good listener. When you catch him in a good mood, that is.

After a while, the weather was a bit warmer, and we decided to gather our things and go back. As he really wasn´t in a good condition for a long walk, I turned him into P-chan and carried him and our both backpacks for a while. It was such a relief, because in his cursed form he couldn´t affect me that much, and I could be more comfortable as a male.

I was uneasy, as we got to Nerima and he had to turn back to human. When he did, he was still sore and a little sick. After some arguing, I convinced him to go to Dr. Tofu´s for a checkup. As the doctor decided to keep him for some observation, I got back to the Dojo.

As I came back, I got finally alone. Then tried my hardest not to think about what happened in that cave. It was nothing, meant nothing. I put myself together. Nobody should know, I couldn´t abide that. It became my darkest secret.

I decided to bury it as deep as I could.

OOO

* * *

To the footnotes and rambled reports:

There you are - FINALLY, Ranma's point of view of the events to come. The first difference you'll see is Ranma is the narrator - just imagine yourself peeking on his journal. I do know both of them aren't the brightest guys on Nerima, but he is writing this years after the end of the manga; and some time after the events to come in this story. On Ryoga's story, however, he's not the narrator; I couldn't picture him having a journal and taking such a deep dive on himself; so I decided to make a third-person narrative, but yet in POV. Ryoga's fic goes prospectively, and Ranma's retrospectively. But now they meet - and some of the events will be portrayed on both perspectives.

Then again, to those who might've read this story before - many thing will change, I hope for the best.

So, hope you like it, and stay tuned.

* * *

Human Being, 01/27/2014

 


	3. Bid me farewell

* * *

****Bid me farewell** **

* * *

  
_"Stay...with the demons you drowned_  
Stay...with the spirit I found  
Stay...and the night would be enough"  
Stay – U2

_~Ranma Saotome's journal – Second entry:_

Past a couple days from the fight against the wizard and everything after that, Ryoga got better and eventually came to the Dojo for a visit. Sure he got a bit late – he wasn't crossing Japan while trying to find the Tendo Dojo anymore, but it didn't mean he couldn't mess up from time to time. The difference is he was getting lost only by a few blocks, not by a few cities. Anyway, I was aiming to avoid him like the damn plague, so I tried to stay out of his sight. If he'd noticed that I was avoiding him, he didn´t show. Come to think of it, seemed that he even felt more comfortable like that.

But then, a little before he left, he came to me for a talk.

"Ranma?"

I was at the dojo, training. I avoided his eyes.

"Yeah?"

"Are you busy?"

"Not right now." I replied, turning my back to him. "Whaddya want?"

"Wanted to say thank you…"

"Come on, it´s no big deal" I turned to face him, his eyes staring at me. I averted mine, I couldn't abide his gaze.  _Please, don´t let him notice._

"And I want to say I´m sorry"

"What for?"

"You know" He lowered his eyes; I could see he was uneasy. "I wasn´t exactly a nice person to you in all those years…"

"Yeah, neither was I, so…"

"Let me finish" He interrupted me. "I always blamed you for all the bad things that happened to me. Sure, some of them you were really the one to blame, but it was still unfair of me. I always pictured you as an honorless jerk, and spent a good part of those years we know each other trying to beat your ass up." I chuckled a little, but he went on. "Anyway, you had all the reasons to give a rat's ass to whatever could happen to me, and let me screw my life up all by myself. This last fight is a good example… But no, you butted into my fight and saved my life. It was really nice of you." He let out a breath, looked at me and went on. "Fact is, I was wrong about you. Sure sometimes you´re a jerk, but some other times you´re really a good person. And you don´t deserve the treatment I´ve been giving you…"

I remained quiet. I was supposed to feel fine, he was actually coming to good terms with me. But I wasn't feeling fine. Actually I felt like shit. Because there he was, trying to atone with me and… if he only knew what I tried to do to him, he would beat me dead.

"… and some of my actions towards you are really less than honorable."

I froze. What?

"Ranma, I´m going to tell Akane about P-chan."

"No."

He looked at me quizzically.

"Why not?"

"You don´t need to tell her that. Just don´t play P-chan again and it will be fine."

"You don´t understand. You know, she will eventually see me wet and meet my cursed form. It´s not fair to expect you to always cover my butt about that."

"But…"

"Look, I've been thinking about doing it for a while, and now time has finally come. Trust me, Ranma. I'll make it up for you. The only thing I ask of you is to let me talk to her alone. Okay?"

"Okay" I replied in a low voice. In other times it would be great, but right then I didn´t deserve that much.

He left the dojo, I was alone again. His scent, however, lingered in the room like a faint ghost who could beat me up in a way that any martial technique will never do. I kneeled at the floor, and realized how miserably I failed in keeping him out of my mind. He was branded in my mind like a tattoo on one´s skin. I could look away, but every time I faced it, it was there, exactly the same as the first time.

I was doomed. But nobody could know. It was my shame, mine only.

Ryoga really told Akane the whole story about P-chan. I thought she would go for the kill as soon as she found it out, but surprisingly she didn´t tried to murder him. Sure, she got mad, it took a while for her to forgive him, but she eventually did. And he kept his promise and saved my face about the whole story. As he finished this last mission, he gathered his things and parted to his home.

I was relieved. With him away, I could resume pretending that nothing happened. I tried my best. My best wasn´t working much.

I spent several days thinking about what I should do. I couldn´t let anyone know about this. I would disgrace my family, the Tendos, Akane, myself, even Ryoga would be caught in the fire. I couldn´t abide that.

One day, he came to the Dojo for a visit. Akane was still a little upset, but was willing to let it go. I kept my aim to avoid him as much as possible, and no way in hell I would spar with him. I kept myself out of sight by fleeing the Dojo at the very first opportunity I had. As I came back by sunset, I went directly to the roof… just to find him sitting there, looking pensive.

"Hey."

"Hey, Ryoga. Wat´cha doing?"

"Nothing, really" He had his gaze fixed upon the horizon, a blank expression on his face.

"Hum, what´s up?" I didn´t want to hear any answer, but I asked anyway. He opened his mouth, as if to say something, but remained silent.

Then I resumed my foot-in-the-mouth mode, maybe trying to keep some small talk.

"How´s Akari?"

"We broke up." The look on his face said it all, but he answered anyway.

"Oh, man, sorry for asking."

"No big deal."

"Uh, who did it?" Again my curiosity took the best out of me. Was he dumped by her?

"I did."

"Why?"

He did not answer that one. Instead, he took his gaze out of the horizon and fixed it on me. It was intense, his eyes more soulful than ever. I couldn't say what was inside of those eyes. I almost lost my edge and quickly regretted being there. And slowly he took his eyes out of me and stared again at nothing. I kept my mouth shut.

Thankfully, Kasumi broke the moment.

"Ryoga! Someone´s on the phone!"

He stood up and got out of the rooftop towards the living room to pick up the phone.

"Hello." He said with a flat voice. Some moments later, his eyes grew wide and he spoke: "Mom?"

Yeah, that was his  _mother_.

Apparently, his parents finally got home at the same time and then, together, started to look for him. After finding where he was, they were coming here to pick him up. As they arrived, we all were introduced to Mr. and Mrs. Hibiki. Funniest thing is they seemed to have their directional curse completely fixed, with the aid of a GPS tracker Mr. Hibiki himself helped to develop. His father was a businessman, and they seemed to be a rather well-to-do family. After thanking the Tendos for their kindness towards their son, they demanded Ryoga to come with them.

I didn´t see him in a while, after our meeting with his parents. Not that I would mind, I was still avoiding him with all my might. Thanks to that, I missed the time he came back at the Dojo to another visit. I even remember Akane saying something about how he managed not to get lost anymore just like his parents, because of a GPS tracker he was now carrying everywhere.

But one day, while I was jumping over the rooftops to get somewhere, I got close to his house and saw a big truck at the door. I landed on the ground to check out what was going on, and found him at his yard packing things on some boxes.

"Yo, Ryoga!"

"Ranma? What are you doing here?"

"Uh, I saw this truck at your door and was wondering what´s up. Are you moving or something?"

"Yes." He lowered his eyes. I felt my heart pounding on my chest. "We're moving."

"Where to?"

"America."

I got speechless. What, United States of fucking America?

"When are you leaving?" My voice was a little hoarse. I felt a lump in my throat.

"Tomorrow." I was sure that, if he paid enough attention, he would see the blood draining out of my face. The prick was moving away from Nerima to the end of the world and wouldn´t tell anyone about it?

"Oh."

I should be wishing him good luck, being happy to see him join his parents again and try to live a normal family life for a change. But when I opened my mouth, something entirely different came out.

"Why didn´t you tell us?" By us, you'd understand me.

"I found it out myself only a couple days ago…" His tone was apologetic.

"I see." My voice was cold. I clenched my fists discreetly, doing my best to conceal the slight tremble on my hands.

And why the heck was I so worked up about it? Shouldn't I be happy? It was the perfect solution for my situation. I was free, he was leaving.

Might as well never see him again.

"Uh… you know, I´ll miss you guys." He said, his voice soft. I melted when I looked in his eyes, full of sorrow.

"Oh, man… y´know, there´s always the chance of you getting lost and end back here." He chuckled at my joke. He surely had a lovely smile.

"Screw you, Saotome." He said playfully, then jabbed my shoulder. "Wanna spar?"

I said nothing. I grabbed his arm and took him to the vacant lot close to his house. I was avoiding this for a while, but now it was different. It would be the last spar we´d have. I wanted that, needed that memory with me.

And we sparred, like we didn´t in a long time. He attacked, I dodged, I counterattacked, he blocked. His moves were strong and precise, concentrating his impressive strength. Mine were fluid, gracious, and the match was pretty much even. None of us was holding back. But, instead of the grim feeling that followed our other matches, this one was light, almost fun.

In the end both of us were panting by the heavy workout. He laid on the ground, I sat by his side. His hair was disheveled, his face sweaty, yet he looked stunning. The dim light of the sunset made his eyes almost golden. I felt a lump in my stomach.

I wouldn´t see this again in a long time.

"Hey… don´t you get soft, okay?" I said.

"You should talk…" His eyes were happy again. Then he looked serious. "But I won´t. Seriously."

"Let´s see. Next time we meet we´ll rematch."

"Sure thing."

He stood up, and helped me on my feet by grabbing my hand.

"Gotta get goin´, Ranma." He pulled me on a friendly embrace. I froze. His scent was there, mixed to the smell of sweat and earth. I should run away from it. But I returned the hug. He felt so warm, I wanted to disappear on his arms.

"Good luck, pal…" My voice was shaky. He got inside the house as I sprinted onto the rooftops. As I was going home, I felt fresh tears down my face; and when I arrived went straight to the bathroom, turned into a girl and cried myself to near dehydration.

So, Ryoga eventually said his goodbyes to the rest of the Nerima crew and then left. My life was supposed to be back on track, right?.

It didn't. I thought I would forget about all what happened eventually, but I was dead wrong. Much worse than his presence, this forbidden temptation over me, was his absence.

I missed everything about him. I missed his smell, his voice, his face. I even missed the feeling I had while I tried to avoid him. As bad as I wanted him far from me, I actually never wanted to see it fulfilled to the point of not seeing him again. I wanted to know that even if I didn´t want to be with him, he would be there, he would be close. Now he was too far away. The harder I tried to let him go, the worse it would get. My life became a slumber of utterly unimportant events.

In some time, my lack of interest in things was starting to show. Slowly, people started to notice, some earlier than others.

Back then, I used to remind a lot that episode concerning the fishing rod. Then, I was in love with him, yes. But it was a dumb, magical thing that would wipe your free will and turn you into a caricature of a person in love, and wasn't really real. Back then I didn't even consider the implications of those feelings; I even tried to hurt Akane while under its effect.

But what happened that day in the cave… it was completely different. Even in the whole koi rod shit I didn't have this revelation; even when I was seducing him inside his tent I wasn't really sexual about it. Yes, I was 'in love' and then 'obsessed', but that was magic, not… that what I felt after, neither it felt as… Dirty.

That was why I thought It was not love, it couldn't be. I mean, I used to think I loved Akane, for so many times I was sure I did. I wasn't anymore, because I knew I never felt about her the way I was feeling about him, and yet I felt dirty, soiled, because I felt lust for someone else than my fiancée... I lusted over a man. But how the hell was I supposed to feel like that about another guy? Ryoga, no less?

And the words of Ryoga when I was under the rod's spell… He said he'd rather drink sewage than be with me, he couldn't stand the sight of me. I was under a spell, but he wasn't. He wasn't. I was bewitched, but he was himself.

He wasn't a pervert, like me.

Yet, I couldn't escape from this… infatuation, lust, whatever. But it was so strong that overwhelmed me, and dulled my senses to anything else. Yet, I could tell it was wrong. I mean, even if what I felt was the so-called love… Things would only be worse, because no way in hell I could let it out. Because I couldn't abide to bring such dishonor to my family, to Akane and to him too. Even if he was single, moving to America; even if Akane was right all this time of calling me a pervert… The sense of oddity in this situation made me fight against it with all my will. But I was losing.

I spent nights and nights and nights thinking about it in the rooftop.

I had to do something; I had to fix it somehow. Then I decided what I had to do.

This decision was one of the biggest mistakes of my life.

OOO

* * *

To the footnotes and rambled reports:

Finally, again, Ranma's point of view about all the things happening around him. Not much to say, though. On the next chapter: His mistake, and the consequences.

* * *

Human Being, 02/05/2014


	4. Sleeping with Ghosts

* * *

**Sleeping with ghosts**

* * *

  
_"You don't want to hurt me_  
But see how deep the bullet lies  
Unaware that I'm tearing you asunder  
There is thunder in our hearts, baby  
So much hate for the ones we love?  
Tell me, we both matter, don't we?"  
Running up that hill – Kate Bush/Placebo

* * *

_~Ranma Saotome's Journal, third entry._

By the time Ryoga left, both I and Akane were already on a University nearby. It was close to home with good prospects. I applied for physical education, Akane for pedagogy. As we got our acceptance letters, our fathers resumed the attempts for marrying us.

Akane screamed bloody murder, and the same old crap was starting again: we would scream and fight, they would insist, we would freak out and then they would eventually give up for a while.

Then it hit me.

I was trapped: clinging to a delusion that could never be, I was miserable as never before. What options did I have? Stay hooked on Ryoga? Go after him and tell him what I felt? Hah, that would've been rich "Hey, Ryoga my buddy, here's the thing: While you were unconscious on a fucking sleeping bag freezing to death, I was rubbing myself on you and fantasizing on how nice it would be if we both were a thing, how's about that?"

So, now the entire idea of marriage didn´t seems so bad. I could claim the life destined to me. I could marry Akane. Inherit the Dojo. Be a man.

Things would settle, in time. This whole travesty would be forever gone.

So, I did it: while our parents and Akane were fighting about whether or not get married, I remained silent. It took a while for them to notice. Akane was the first.

"Ranma?"

I kept myself dead quiet.

"Won´t you say anything?" I shook my head in denial.

"So, boy, do you agree with the marriage?" Mr. Tendo inquired. Every eye in the house was upon me. Akane was flabbergasted.

I lowered my head, I couldn´t look anyone in the eye.

"I… don't object."

Akane could barely believe this was happening. Pop and Mom were beyond joyful. Mr. Tendo started to cry as usual. Kasumi was cheerful as always. The only person that didn´t join the euphoria was Nabiki. She was giving me one of her unreadable glares, trying to analyze me. She wasn't buying this.

I froze inside. I knew how good she was on reading people. But I was getting myself just as good on hiding some parts of myself from curious looks.

I got up, touched Akane´s shoulder rather slightly and whispered on her ear. "We need to talk."

Later on, I met Akane on her room. She was still weary from all the events of the evening. I get inside through the window and sit beside her.

"Akane."

"Why?" She asked. No beating in the bush, no small talk.

"Why not?" I replied back. She knew I was different. With her especially. She was pressing me to know what was wrong, and I was pushing her away. And, boy, of course I was: From all the people, she was the one who least could find about it. So, what could I say to her? The truth?

"I don't want to do it because of the wrong reasons, Ranma." She kept her head low, avoiding my eyes.

I felt a lump in my throat, again. I was no stupid about the way she felt about me anymore, and I knew she was doing it for the right reasons. I hated myself, and sometimes when I remember and relive this moment in my head, I still do. But I had no choice.

"I don't know if there is such a thing as wrong or right reasons to do that. But I always knew if I was going to do it, would be with you." It wasn't exactly a lie, but it didn't make me feel any better.

She remained silent. I touched her hand, seeing her as my lifeline. I wanted her to save me from myself.

"If you don't wanna do it, I can't force you to." I whisper on her ear. I had a pretty good idea what her answer would be.

At the end of that month, mere days before I hit twenty, we were officially married.

To make the wedding happen, this time I took the matter on my hands. None of the wreckers of my former wedding dared to try something. I made myself perfectly clear that I would not abide any kind of interruption this time. Even Cologne got the hint and backed off. Sure, the other fiancées got a little resented, but this time I didn't give a flying fuck. I needed to get over this.

Things were going fine. Again, I thought my problems were over. Right?

Hah.

One thing… This one thing I didn´t expect at all.

Sure, I knew I would have physical intimacy in my marriage, the very same I'd never had with anyone. On all those years living with Akane, I never felt really physically attracted to her. I mean, I knew Akane was a cute girl, despite all my brags saying otherwise, but it never made me lust for her. Yes, I thought I loved her, yes I felt protective over her, I cared a fucking lot for her. But lust? Desire? Getting off on thinking about her? Never. To none of my former fiancées, actually. Not on Ukyou and all her cuteness, nor Shampoo and her darned sex-appeal, nor Kodachi and her tight leotards on a perfect body. And, c'mon, which real straight teenager wouldn't?

To be perfectly honest, I only felt this kind of thing once… In that fucking cave, with him, and the bastard wasn't even trying. Sometimes I would just wake up in the middle of the night just to turn myself girl to cut off erections from thinking about it, and the fucker did absolutely nothing but be unconscious, almost frozen in a darned sleeping bag.

That was precisely why I was so desperate to make things between Akane and me work fine. And I expected them to be: She was a pretty woman, very desirable, yes, it would be easy. I loved her. It would be so good that I would even lust for her. Despite everything, I was young, virile, it was probably just a phase, all that stuff. It would happen in time. What could go wrong?

Simple. Having sex with Akane triggered the one thing I was trying so hard to forget.

Not that she was a lousy lay. Okay, she might not the best one either due to her lack of imagination and impersonal mannerisms in bed, but that was not the point. The thing was that when I had sex with her, or if I had it with any other person, it would always, always remind me of him. God, I could almost see myself with him, longing for his soft skin, his scent, everything he was. I could look away, but it was still there.

Every time she orgasmed with me, everytime I came inside of her, I sensed him. I pictured myself with him. I wanted to be inside of him, or he being inside of me, as a guy or as a girl, it didn't matter. I just wanted to have him on my arms, to smell him, kiss him, feel his taste on my mouth; a taste I've never felt, but I was already addicted to by the very idea of it. I wanted him, only him. Hell, sometimes I'd bite back the urge to call his name right in the heat of the moment.

I tried to ignore it at first, fake it, and lure myself into believing it would get better with time.

It got worse.

She was not him. She didn´t have his scent, his skin, his touch, his eyes. And she tried. She loved me. She wanted this marriage to work. She tried hard, so hard…

Sex became a torture. I started to avoid her in bed, using all the excuses that I could. College, training trips, whatever. To make sure, I used to "accidentally" turn female a lot more than average, and did little to turn back. She would never make any kind of sexual advance towards my female self and I knew it. All that hurt her a great deal, but at first she tried to be comprehensive, since I was trying so hard to be a good student and a good martial artist…

I hated myself. And I got bitter for it.

We attended college; in an attempt to keep my mind busy, I even applied for a simultaneous part-time degree in business, and got accepted. Then I studied day and night, hard as never before in my whole life. No one would have ever imagined me as such a fierce student, not even Pops, and everyone were marveled at my determination. Everyone, except… Akane. At first she thought it to be very nice, too, but I think at some point she realized I was doing this to avoid her – us – at all costs. And she wasn't wrong at all: As soon as we got our degrees, when I told her things would get better, I buried myself on the Art. I engaged on one training trip after another.

It started to show: in a few time, I truly was a martial artist to be reckoned with: As my Father wanted, I was the finest martial artist of my generation. From that to be a professional fighter was a snap: Tournaments, prizes in money, and the Tendo-Saotome Anything Goes Martial Arts School became famous by my victories. My career was meteoric, and it turned out to be a very profitable business. You know, Ranma Saotome always wins.

It felt good for a while. But that while didn't last long.

Akane started to work as an educational counselor in Furinkan High. She had a lot of time for her profession and for her own training as a martial artist, since I spent so little time at home. And when I was there, the situation always ended up tense. Her frustration was tangible, by that point. She sensed something was wrong with us, but couldn't exactly say what. And the more she tried to get closer to me, to get to the problem, the more I would pull her away. It came to a point she didn't try to approach me with patience or kindness as I'd had worn them out already, she demanded my attention and proximity. It annoyed me beyond belief, and soon I started to avoid her very presence, in order to get rid of the inquisition. As she grew more and more lonely, she started to press me for a baby. That meant having more sex. No need to say, that was the very last thing I wanted. I got more and more annoyed and impatient to her, she got more and more resented on me.

Our marriage turned into a living hell.

There's when I started to understand my old man. He also used the Art to avoid his responsibilities in his marriage and to find solace from a life he never truly wanted to have. But things only worked out between them both because my mother was the model of a demure wife, which was obviously not Akane's case. When I was younger, I used to see my father as sort of a failure, someone not fit to be taken for an example. I never wanted to be like the old man, but I realized that I was getting worse than him. I was the real failure, and I knew it. I couldn't bring myself to make things work. That's also why I hadn't agreed with having children, even when it would be a logical attempt to make things better. A kid would just complicate matters even more, because I wouldn't add up on my failures me doing to a kid of mine the same thing my father did to me.

While my career was doing great and I was making a lot of money in tournaments and prizes, my marriage was going from bad to worse. Trying to escape from the hell I created for myself, I grew more and more distant. Akane got more and more frustrated, and despite the calm and pondered image she made up for her professional self, I was the magnet for her short temper to show. I don't blame her; she was feeling betrayed, scorned by the one who promised to love her. But I couldn't help to be crude and impatient with her. We hardly had sex. She was also a lot more jealous than before, thinking that I must have a lover or something. I couldn't get anywhere close to Ukyou or Shampoo, by intention or accident. I even had a detective hired on my ass – probably at Nabiki's expense, but still on Akane's best interest.

Her wrath and my distance created a downward spiral that consumed any romantic love we might have had for each other. Our fights didn´t resemble our innocent bickering from the old days, they became much bitter and heavier, with a scary deal of verbal violence. She didn't beat or mallet me anymore, though, just because the grudge and the tension involved would turn things out of control if any of us went physical. Despite her improvement as a martial artist, she was nowhere near me. I never hit her, but sometimes I came awfully close. The entire family got scared of our fights.

In the end of my seventh year of marriage, I tried to divorce. It sounded like if I was to announce the apocalypse. My mother went ballistic; she would never accept such a dishonor in her family. She used everything in her power to set my mind out of it, even threatened to disown me. Once again I was painfully reminded of my obligations to honor and duty, and how my life wasn't really mine. Funny thing, the only one who didn't say a word was my father. Then, taken aback by the havoc as usual, I gave up the idea and made an effort to make things better for a year or so, but things were way too bad. Akane was hurt and didn't trust me anymore. She did love me, but she couldn't forgive me for what our marriage had become. Again, how can I blame her? I dragged her into that; I was the one who gave the final word. For the worst reason possible: to save face.

As I tried to approach her in my attempt to fix things up, she started to confront me. She blamed the entire situation on me, and wanted me to pay. Needless to say, my will to make things better was short lived.

Akane wasn't that dense: as she started to put things together and dig into my life; helped by Nabiki, she started to realize  _when_  I started to act different. She was getting closer and I sensed it. But yet she wasn't ready to see, that was beyond her malice. But not Nabiki's.

Nabiki always had suspected there was something about Ryoga that I wasn't letting out back then - she was that good on reading people. Sure, they didn't have any evidence. But very sneakily, Nabiki started to insinuate that there was something I was hiding about Ryoga. She was like a shark: once she smelled blood, there was no way to stop her. Gradually, her hints got more and more obvious as she sensed that I was getting affected by them. And my self-control was slowly eroding.

At the end of eight years of marriage, we had the last straw.

It happened out of a rather ordinary ordeal on our lives: I was preparing to leave on another training trip. The family was all gathered, having dinner.

"So," my mother started. "When are you leaving?"

"Tomorrow morning," I answered nonchalantly. Then Mr. Tendo put his foot on the mouth.

"You´re traveling too much, Ranma. At that pace, we won't have an heir to the School anytime soon."

"Or you could take Akane with you in some of those trainings. It would be some quality time for both of you" Kasumi said, in a voice filled of good intentions.

I bit my lip. Akane glared at me. Nabiki didn't let the opportunity slip.

"Oh, well. Who knows, maybe it´s not  _that_  kind of company he´d like…"

For everyone in the table, it was a perfectly innocent comment. But I got her hint. It set my blood on fire. It took all my willpower to steady myself.

"I rather have no company at all in my training trips. Y'know, Nabiki, training sometimes can be  _dangerous_." I stated with a dead cold voice.

"Why, Ranma. No need to get so worked up about it, sorry." Nabiki's tone was apologetic, but her eyes were glaring me fiercely. I wanted to kill her, snap her neck on my hands. We finished dinner and I got out of the table to finish my packing. In a little while, however, I saw someone at the door.

"So, Nabs" I said, without turning myself to face her. "Came to say goodbye? Or for another of your smartass remarks about what kind of company I might enjoy on a training trip?"

"I don't see what was so offensive in that."

Ohhh, smartie. I was so mad my mouth was dry.

"Nothing at all, Nabiki. You see, if I had  _any_  kind of company in my trips,  _you_  would be the first to know. Right?" I turned to stare her. Her face was an unreadable mask. "So, don't pretend you're idly interested in what kind of company I rather have or not. Okay?"

"Oh. Seems I struck a nerve here." Her voice was calm and steady. "Sure thing, I know you travel alone, Ranma." She walks out the room. From the hall, she says in a sly tone: "I just wonder if you would be so fond of loneliness if you  _still_  had your old favorite sparring partner around, that's all."

My blood boiled in my veins, so hot I was having a hard time on breathing steadily. Soon after she finished her line, Akane entered the room.

She'd heard the entire conversation.

"What now, picking on Nabiki?" Her voice is dripping acid, she wanted a fight. I wasn't in the mood for this, really: Too mad, too angry. But that didn't stop me to yield.

"You" I grabbed her wrist. She looks at me startled. "You keep that fucking bitch you have for a sister off my back. Got it?" I glared deeply at her eyes.

"Oooh, I'm sorry for that." Her voice in a mock tone, she takes her wrist out of my hand. "Well, by now you should already know that one can't take so  _seriously_  what she says." She walks away from me. "Unless…"

"Unless?" My breath sharp, I was mad beyond belief.

"Unless she  _did_ strike a nerve here." She said; death in her voice. There. She found the confrontation she was seeking. "In that case, she is the  _least_  of your concerns, my  _dear_."

"Akane. Don't. You. Go. There."

"Go where, Ranma…" She faced me, her eyes shining sparks. I lost my control and gave in. She wanted a fight, she'd get it.

"So, Akane" I slammed the door behind me. That time I was meaning it to be ugly. "You tell me. What the fuck are you insinuating this time? Hm?" My face was twisted in a scowl, I was dangerously close to her. She tried to back down, I grabbed her arm again. She tried to get rid of my grip, she never saw me that mad. No use."Say it, Akane."

It was a command. My voice was low, dangerous. When I get really mad, I don't yell. I speak low like that.

"I…" She trails off. I pinned her on the wall.

"Don't you dare play innocent now. Say It."

She raised her eyes. She decided to face me back.

"Do you want  _me_  to say it to you? You really got less nerve than I thought." She said in a shaky voice. "Let´s say, it´s not an insinuation. I am not accusing you of having some other girl. Not anymore. But I think, my  _dear_ , you do have your mind set in someone else. Want me to go on?"

"Oh, yes, my  _dear_. It's getting interesting." I continued to pin her in the wall, my grip tightens. She winces a little. "And what this something else would be? Any idea?"

"I have a hunch, yes. Maybe, just maybe, We girls are not your cup of tea. Too bad your old  _pal_  is not like you, as far as I know."

That was it. Damn Nabiki, damn it all. I was far beyond control. Her eyes widened, as I threw her on the bed with a yank. She tried to get away, but I cornered her.

"Say, You are insinuating,  _this_?" She tried to get out of the bed, I shoved her back. I couldn't take any more confrontation. I couldn't take any more of this all. Duty, pride, responsibility, guilt, there's nothing left. Nothing but bitter fury. "You are insinuating now that I don't like girls, because I don't like to fuck you?" I hissed heavily, she finally realized that maybe she had crossed the line. "I also have a hunch, dear. I thought that mercenary whore was the mother of this idea, but it seems to suit you too, you know. But what the hell, it doesn't matter." As she gets out of the bed I grab her by the wrist, aiming to cause her pain, I've never seen such fear in her eyes. "After all, like you always say, I enjoy too much being a girl… so I must be gay, right?"

"Ranma, it's enough!" Her voice was very shaky. She was terrified, but I was past any caring for it then. She saw through my disguise, she was trying to humiliate me. I wanted to hurt her, for the first time of my life I really wanted to hurt Akane.

"Now, you think I'm a fucking faggot, don't ya?" I cornered her at the bed, her face pale with fear. "Come to think of it, it really might be better fuck a guy than you. I do have more sex appeal in my girl form than you, and honestly, even this pal of mine can be more appealing than you, the paragon of moral and righteousness. So it makes me gay, a pervert, right? And, since my old  _pal_  isn't around, maybe I should teach you one thing or two about how we pervert gays like to fuck each other after all. But don't you worry, I'll make the sacrifice of getting myself a boner for this." I grabbed her neck as she tries to back off, as I loosened the string of my pants.

"Ranma, stop it, stop it, STOP IT!" She screamed while I pinned her on the bed, face down and crying, bucking and squirming beneath me. But as I tried to spread her legs and get her clothes off the way, I finally snapped out of it.

I got up, panting, stepped back and collapsed on the floor, burying my face in my hands. She cried lying on the bed, knowing what was about to happen. Her blouse is rotten in some points, by the strength I was grabbing and pinning her. She curls into a ball, sobbing harder.

The weight of what I had done, and what I was about to do came on me at once.

I broke down. I started to cry openly, face buried in my hands. I couldn't take it anymore. My manliness, my pride, my honor, it's all gone.

"Ranma…" After a good while, she called me. I didn't answer. My soul was pouring out of me, eight years of pent up frustrations, deceptions and failure finally proved too much for me to bear. "Ranma, I'm sorry." She tried to reach me, I flinched.

"Don't fucking touch me." I said in a whisper. "No, I…" Ryoga... She was right, my God, she was. I was a pervert, a monster, not a man. I cried even harder. "I never meant it to happen like this, I…"

"Ranma…" She tried to reach me again, I tried to pull her, she grabbed my arms softly then pulled me into a shaky embrace. I was completely lost.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry… please…" I said between sobs. She tried to soothe me. I soaked her blouse with my tears. "I never meant to hurt you, I never meant this, I don't want to… I'm sorry…" She was crying too. She deserved the truth. "I thought I would get over it, I sorta loved you, yes, but I… I thought it would be gone in time, I couldn't be… It wasn't … Oh my God… I never wanted this to happen, I'm sorry… You're right; I  _am_  a pervert, a failure, I…" I dug my nails in the flesh of my arms. I wanted to hurt myself.

"Ranma, don't…" She tried to stop me. She finally understood. I thought she would hate me, but she was there trying to help me to not fall apart.

"I don't deserve you, Akane, never did… I deserve nothing from you…"

"Has something ever happened between you both?" She asked in a quiet voice.

"No."

"Does he even know about it?"

"Of course not."

"Have you ever been with someone else, but me?"

"No…"

"Do… Do you think you can overcome this feeling for him?" Her voice was quiet, pained.

I curled up into a ball, tears running freely and voice hoarse from crying so hard. My answer was a choked whisper. "I'm so sorry…"

We both cried in each other's arms. I was broken inside. She helped me on my feet and led me to the bed. I sat down, convulsing between tears and sobs. I hardly ever cried, much less in male form; so I've never cried like this; but I just couldn't stop. She lessened her crying, and as I was out of control she gives me a pill, something to calm me down, then a glass of water. I eased down in the bed, exhausted. So did her. Soon I drifted into sleep.

When we woke up, at least I could keep myself from crying. Then we talked. A long, whole-hearted conversation where none of us were holding back. We finally agreed this was the end, if we wanted to save something of the friendship and the respect between us.

Soon enough, we broke the news to the family. This time, no backing down. My mother one more time tried her hardest to dissuade me from divorcing Akane. Soun also tried everything in his reach. As things were going sour, I asked Akane to leave the room and leave them to me.

"What the heck you think you're doing, son?" Soun asks me with an harsh tone.

"The right thing." I said. This time I was calm, certain of what had to be done.

"You can't, Ranma. You'll stain the honor of your family if you do." My mother says in an inquisitive tone.

"I'll stain my own honor if I don't."

"Your honor is your duty, boy. You have responsibilities to your clan, to the Tendos, you just can't walk away from it. You WON'T do that." My mother never seemed so serious.

"I will." My voice was flat, not taking any chance to show doubt or anything else.

"Then you're no longer the man you promised me to be." Her eyes pierced me.

The boy I used to be flinched inside of me. He wanted to give in, to retreat. The man I became in those years of frustration shot back a glare.

"You want me to commit seppuku, then? To kill myself to satisfy your honor, to save your face? Is this it?" She looked at me startled, she didn't expect an answer. Akane entered the room, startled with my voice. "No, mom, I won't do anything of it. My life is mine. No one will take it from me anymore, not even you. Find yourself another way to save your darn face, I don't care."

"How dare you" She hissed. "How DARE you talk to me like that? Who do you think you are?"

"Who am I? I am Ranma Saotome, heir of the Saotome Anything goes martial arts School and man among men, remember? I am what you all made me. I spent all my life living your dreams; the life you all set up for me, but it isn't working anymore. I still remember how I spent months pretending to be "Ranko" and hiding myself from you in fear you wouldn't accept me because of my curse. And you accept me because even as a girl I was  _manly_ , not because I was your child. I had to be manly for you. I put up with every shit you threw at me to prove myself worthy of living because of your stupid honor codes and so far I screwed my life for that. But I can't do this any longer. My marriage is doomed, I can't put up to this anymore. Not only for me, but for Akane's sake."

"Leave Akane out of that" Soun hissed. "You're the one who have been running away from your duties all along." Akane glared at him and opened her mouth to say something, but I cut her out.

"Running away? I honored my marriage for all these years. I worked and trained my ass off to turn this School and this Dojo to what it is now, and I didn't see you complaining when it got nationally reckoned due to my victories. I can take my name out of this dojo anytime. I have my reputation, and you took advantage of it long enough. I don't need you to recriminate me about whether worked or not on my marriage."

"Ranma, don´t talk like that to your father-in-law!"My mother shot back.

"The only people here I owe some respect is myself and Akane . To the rest of you, I talk the way I damn want-"

"Nodoka, Soun..." My father interrupted. He stayed quiet during all the argument. "I want to talk to Ranma alone."

"Genma, he-" My mother tries to reason with him, it's useless.

"I said, I want to talk to Ranma alone." His voice was serious. "Ranma, come with me."

I leave the room with him. He was serious, pensive. Since the first time I tried to divorce, he never said a word. We go to the dojo, we kneel in front of each other. I remain quiet.

"Is this what you want?" He asked me in a soft voice.

"Yes. Will you try to stop me too?"

"No." I am surprised.

"Of all people, I didn't expect you to do this. All this mess started with your stupid promises." I said in a quiet voice.

"I know that. But, also, no one knows you better than I do. I've seen this coming for a while." He lowered his head, I could barely hear him. "In other times I would beat some sense into you, but not today. You've been in pain. Your mother can't see it, but I can, and it's eating you up. I may be a stubborn jerk, but I'm not blind. I made all those promises; I betrothed you in marriage to a Tendo and promised us both to commit seppuku if you didn't become a man among men. And then, when you agreed to marry Akane, I also thought things would settle down afterwards. The Schools were united, you would have a family on your own and be happy. I had fulfilled all my goals, but as time went by I realized my goals were less important than seeing you miserable. Wandering from one training trip to another just to avoid your home."

"What made it different from what you've done in ten years training with me, far from mom?"

"A lot of times living with your mother could be very hard, but I did our training trip mostly because of you. Come to think of it, I never considered leaving her as you're doing now." His voice got lower, as he gazes to the floor. "I don't care about duty, pride, family or even your mother's fixation on honor and tradition, you know me well enough to see I'm not lying. But I do care about you, in my way I always did. And I don't like to see what this whole situation is turning you into."

"Pop, I…" I trailed off. "I'm sorry."

He came closer to me and pulled me to a light embrace. "Me too, boy."

I stayed with him like that for a good while. My father used to be the greatest jerk I ever met. But, even despite his flaws, he got a lot better person as time passed. And he was there for me when I needed him the most.

To tell the truth, he'd always been there for me, hadn't he?

When we got back, Pop talked some sense inside my mother's head. Akane, on the other hand, managed to convince her father that she would divorce me whether he approved it or not. And at the end of that week we filled the papers for the divorce.

I was twenty eight.

OOO

* * *

To the footnotes and rambled reports:

Well... About this one, a lot to think about - but it's all written in there. It was a hard one to come with, though, and I sincerely hope you don't hate him too much. But wouldn't it be Ranma in a situation like this? I think so.

And, from now on, both fics will collide in a regular basis - a chapter from the next, they will start to portray the same situation on different point of views. And all of this will work as a background for the story you'll see in two chapters.

Stay tuned!

* * *

Human Being, 02/10/2014

 


	5. In between days

 

 

 

 

* * *

**In between days**

* * *

_"Oh, my God, I feel it in the air_  
 _Telephone wires above are sizzling like a snare_  
 _Honey, I'm on fire, I feel it everywhere_  
 _Nothing scares me anymore"_  
Summertime Sadness – Lana del Rey

* * *

_~Ranma Saotome's journal – Fourth entry:_

Even after my divorce, I kept business connections with the Tendos. I had my name and reputation as a high-grade martial artist, and Nabiki herself made me a proposal to stay linked and the money earned from tournaments and all. But, despite the hopes of former admirals and new gold-diggers, Ranma Saotome was once more single, but not available. I moved to a flat in Nerima, close enough to allow me to come from time to time to visit friends and family and to attend business with the School. I kept my routine of training and supervising some of the dojos linked to the School, as I did before. I was a workaholic, and that helped to keep my mind centered.

However, the divorce was harder on me than I thought. As I stripped myself from my former life, duties and obligations, I realized that I wasn't free as I thought I would be, and didn't know how I wanted my freedom to be. I had to face what I spent so many years running away from.

By that time, I already had a neutral relationship with my curse. The fact that I used to lock myself anytime and in any gender I wanted thanks to the old waterproof soap we all used to buy from the Jusenkyo guide helped things a lot. The springs, that were flooded after the Jusendo battle, didn't restore to normal as Mr. Tendo believed, thus there was no cure in sight. But I didn't care for that, I had more serious problems in my life.

When married, I used to stay female to get Akane off my back and, as I grew more well known, to disguise myself in some situations. But I never sexually explored my cursed form in any way. Truth is I only have had one sex partner in my entire life, and my sexual interaction with Akane had its issues. So, I haven't really explored my male side either. Not that I haven't had opportunities to be with other women, I grew to be a very handsome man and everybody knew it. But the reason that kept my sex life with Akane a disaster was the same one which kept me away from any other girl outside my marriage. I couldn't keep him out of my mind.

And there I was: Almost twenty nine, divorced, confused about my sexual orientation, with very little sexual experience and hooked to an image of my past that I had absolutely no idea if would get any basis on reality. I haven't heard from Ryoga ever since. I didn't even know where to start from. And, if I didn't know what to expect from him, I didn't know what to expect of myself either. Was I gay? If I was, would I be less of a man because of it? What about my girl half? I didn't have the answers to any of these questions, and many others more…

I had very few friends then, and it took a while to come into good terms with Ucchan and Shampoo. Anyway, I couldn't tell them what was going on with me. The only person who I could count on that was Akane – Talk about an awkward situation. However, in a little while, she was already with someone else. I honestly got happy for her.

Come to think of it, I still find it funnily odd how we managed to keep friends friends despite all the shit we went through in our lives and our marriage. Not that she's my confident or anything, but I do like her, and trust her from time to time.

As I got married, both Ucchan and Shampoo managed to move on. Ucchan was running a franchise, she was doing fine. Also found herself a nice guy and was planning to get married soon. Shampoo at last quit the Chinese Law shit and gave in to Mousse. The guy had always been good looking, and seemed to get rid of his heavy glasses after a corrective surgery or something like that. Them both attended community college and got degrees, but they went all for running the Nekohanten and some other businesses - the Nekohanten turned out to be a rather well-known restaurant around Tokyo. And as I came out of my marriage, I tried to catch up with them. Kuno and Nabiki were having some kind of complicated affair, and I didn't hear anything from Kodachi since she left Nerima after some guy she got obsessed with.

Shampoo and Mousse were my source of Jusenkyo facilities, through Cologne. To date the old hag isn't dead yet, neither is Happosai. But I don't know where they are.

Someday, I was at Nekohanten and, while we were all idly chatting about how we ran out of our special soaps, Shampoo got wet. I almost panicked, I am still terrified of cats. But she didn't change. I got puzzled.

"Wow, Shamps, you have some soap and you're keeping it from me, huh?"

"No, no.  _Airen_ " She sometimes called me that to mock me. For the record, she doesn't speak in truncated Japanese anymore. As she likes to say, now she's a college educated amazon – the very first one from her tribe. "I got cured with Nyannichuan."

"What?"

"Y'know," Mousse continued "About two or three years ago we got a letter and this big package from Ryoga…" My heart stopped. "…He was in China on a business trip or whatever, then he seized the opportunity to go to Jusenkyo to check if the springs returned to normal. As he told us, there is little hope, but the guide told him that the bird people used to keep some nannichuan or nyannichuan in stock, to use as disguise. So he went after them and found Kiima, who informed him that they were totally out of nannichuan. But she kept a bottle of nyannichuan, then he took one and sent to us. That's how Shampoo got cured."

I was in awe. Ryoga did that?

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Well, It wasn't exactly easy to reach you back then." Mousse shrugged, reminding me of Akane's jealousy towards Shampoo. "We didn't insist much, since nyannichuan wouldn't be of use to you."

Well, screw the water; I wanted to know about Ryoga!

"What about Ryoga? Haven't heard of him in ages, y'know." I tried to sound casual.

"He didn't say much about him, only that he was in China for business." Shampoo said idly.

"Do you still have the letter? I wanted to keep in touch with him."

"I guess I do." She got inside to look for the letter. I try my best to look natural. She comes back with a postcard. I pick it up and start to read.

_"Hello Shampoo and Mousse;_

_I heard through the Jusenkyo guide that you both got married, congratulations! I know it's late, but I wish you both the best. I miss all the old gang a lot.  
Yes, here I am, at Jusenkyo. I came to China for business, and since I was close I decided to come by and check on the cursed springs. Bad news is that the waters on the springs are still mixed, and it's unlikely they will come back to normal anytime soon._

_Anyway, the guide told me that the bird people in Mount Phoenix used to keep some cursed water in stock for disguises, so I got there to see if they had some yet. I met Kiima, she's still taking care of Saffron, who is now less of a brat than he used to be. Sadly, she told me they ran completely out of Nannichuan, but she had some spare bottles of Nyannichuan and I got one from her. As I see that at least Shampoo can be cured with that, I'm sending you the bottle. As a delayed wedding gift!_

_Well, anyway, send my regards to Cologne, Ranma, Akane, Nabiki, Kasumi, Mr. Tendo and Mrs. Saotome. I'm looking forward for an opportunity to come back to Japan and see you all._

_Sincerely,_

_Ryoga Hibiki."_

My heart was racing inside my chest. Shit, I felt like a fucking teenager. While my mind wondered he never brought himself to send me a postcard, I turned it to see if he wrote some way of contact. Nothing. As I pay attention on the postcard, I see that is from a photo studio, almost all in black. But there was a small footnote with an address and a phone number. I grab a pen and write it down, then I returned the postcard to Shampoo.

"Shamps, isn't it a wedding gift… I got ashamed, mine wasn't that good!"

"You don't say. I cried like a baby when I got it. I tried to reach him to say thanks, but the number in the postcard changed."

"Oh."

"Anyway, why are you so interested in finding him again all of a sudden?"

"Well, as you can see, I'm trying to get in touch with my friends, and he used to be a good one. I mean, when he wasn't trying to smash me to a bloody pulp, that is."

"Uh, sorry." She frowned, and asked in a soft voice. "So, how are you doing?"

"Getting better."

"You know, anything you need, we're here."

"Thanks." I stood up and prepare to leave. "Gotta go, now…" I pat her shoulder as I say goodbye.

I came home, determined to find any kind of hint I could about Ryoga whereabouts. I called the number, Shamps was right. But, as I made an online research on the address, I found the name of a fancy photo studio. And, while looking for information about this studio, I bumped on some information about him. Sparse, but still a beginning.

Apparently, Ryoga Hibiki turned out to be a photographer, as impossible as it may sound, owning this well-to-do studio with some associate partners and being well ranked in his profession despite his young age and short career. When he was in China, he was coordinating the photo shoot of a very famous fashion calendar. Seeking for more information, I saw some of his portfolio, which was really impressive; he was talented. Despite several artistic photos and some of documentaries, there were lots of fashion photos, with some of the hottest women I ever put my eyes on. Some of them were dressing very little. And, hell, with a job like that no way he would be available, let alone interested on me, male or female. I felt like the most stupid creature on Earth.

And, still, not able to reach him even if I wanted to be friends only.

I looked for something related to martial arts, using some of my special resources as a qualified instructor and professional fighter. Bingo, he attended several competitions in college tournaments, and was very well ranked on college leagues in America, even to the point he could have made this a career if he pressed on. No surprise in there, though: He actually was maybe the only one back then who could stand to my level. But I could not find much more than it, not even a picture of him.

So the photo studio remained as my best shot to get his whereabouts.

Idly searching on the related results of my online research about and his studio, I bumped in what seemed to be another fashion editorial, from a well ranked fashion magazine. Nice pictures, hot chick. In the credits, I saw the photographer, Yuri Kyione. I frowned again. Living a life shooting girls like that, even I, maybe-gay-Ranma-Saotome, wouldn't be able to resist.

Oh, whatever, I thought. A little more depressed than I was before, I called it for a day.

A couple days after, Ucchan called me. Wanted to check on me. And as she idly chatted about life in general, she told me that she met a guy who was a friend of a friend of Ryoga; and the guy told her that this friend of him had just moved back to Japan, and was settling a studio very close to Nerima. Even if she told me that to try and cheer me up, I was down.

For a while, I dropped the issue.

OOO

* * *

To the footnotes and rambled reports:

Not much to say about that, but there's the other one too. And, next chapter... Ta-da!

Stay tuned!

* * *

Human Being, 02/24/2014

 


	6. The perfect crime

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

* * *

**The Perfect Crime**

* * *

_"Come and take a walk on the wild side_  
Let me kiss you hard in the pouring rain  
(You like your girls insane)  
Choose your last words  
This is the last time  
'Cause you and I, we were born to die"  
Born to die – Lana del Rey

* * *

_~Ranma Saotome's Journal; fifth entry._

After almost a year as a single man, I gradually set up my mind that I had to experience more contact – and that also meant sexual contact - with people, in either male of female form.

I started to hang out in clubs, and made some friends to hang out with. That was easy, I was well known as a martial artist and with some money to spend. Soon enough I discovered the wonders of parties, mild doses of alcohol and one night stands. But sometimes I grew suffocated with the attention I used to get as a guy. So, I started to party as a girl. That was fun: I would get some girl clothes, put them on and hang out. But when I partied as a girl, I use to hang out in gay-friendly clubs, in a way that people saw me as a dyke. I enjoyed that because I was a lot less harassed in such places than in regular clubs.

I gotta say – and believe me, this is not me being cocky - I was pretty much a hunk in male form, with a slender, yet well-defined muscular body, handsome face and blue eyes; and my female form grew to be a gorgeous redhead, not as short as I used to be but still well built to boot. Yet, I started to dress a lot different at that time, slowly abandoning some of my Chinese outfits in favor of more modern and good-looking ones.

As I proceeded with my experiencing, I grew to be comfortable to both men and women in foreplays and enjoying myself immensely, despite of getting laid with women only. Yet, despite all my new adventures, he was always on my mind, in everyone I made out or had sex with. The difference is that I wasn't hiding from it anymore, and it made things easier.

In some time, I was a lot better than right after my divorce. I got a penchant to hang out in gay friendly clubs as a girl, it seemed that I had my best times in places like those. At parties I used to dress a lot androgynous, relegating my Chinese shirts to teaching or training sessions only- Like a trademark of the martial artist I grew to be. But out of it, the way I dressed I could easily be taken as a femboy or a tomboy girl when in my cursed form.

However, to my folks at home, it became clear I was experiencing with my curse and was attracted to and women and men, to my mother's despair. Pops didn't seem to mind, though, as long as I kept fighting and practicing the Art. Until then I only used to have sex with girls, now both as male and female, but that was less and less a taboo in my head. Really, the main reason that I didn't do guys is that this particular activity seemed to remind me of him the most.

On one idly night, I went party at a new cool place in my girl form, because as a female I felt more comfortable to make out with boys and girls, and that was real fun to me. However, it wasn't a gay bar – clearly friendly to that, but also attended by straight people as well. I was dressed in a rather androgynous way, but with loose hair. I took a seat on the balcony of the bar; and since I gave myself some vacations from heavy training because I didn't have any major match in sight, I was really intending to get drunk, or get laid, luckily both.

And there I was, drinking my booze and minding my own business, when a very good-looking guy dressed in tight button shirt, vest and dark skinny jeans sit by my side. He had loose straight pitch-black hair almost to his waist, and a slender but well-toned body who told me he must work out a good bit, or be into some kind of sport. Also, somewhat feminine but very attractive face: slender features, pale skin, dark eyes, pouty lips. Looked like a trendy version of Konatsu, but much less girlish because he didn't seem to wear makeup and he wasn't dressing as a girl. However, his clothes, despite masculine, also did little to blatantly remark him as a guy. By his body language, though, I'd not pick him as straight.

Not that I particularly have the hots for femboys, but can't deny I considered maybe it should be a good idea dousing myself on hot water in the bathroom's club.

"Hey, you alone?" He asked me, and by the look in his eyes he seemed interested. Even better, though.

"Uh, yeah."

"Oh, okay if I stay here while I wait for my folks?"

"Sure, baby, suit yourself." I was already a little tipsy by then. "What's your name?"

"Yuri Kyione" He answered with a crooked smile. "You?"

I never gave my real name in my female form, what's the point? "Kaori Ono"

"You hang out around here very often?"

"No, it's my first time here. But I hang out a quite lot in places like this."

"So, Kaori, what do you do for a living?"

"I'm a martial artist and mixed martial arts instructor." His name was nagging in the back of my head. It was familiar, but I couldn't quite place it. "You?"

"I'm a photographer." Then my mind cleared a bit, as I recalled where I knew this name from: it was the photographer that made that fashion editorial I saw in the internet.

"Uh, I guess I already saw one fashion editorial you made! Congratulations, pretty good material"

"Thanks!"

"And the model was a gorgeous babe, by the way. Any chance that she's one of your friends you're waiting for?" Okay, I was really really tipsy.

"Hahahahaha, lessee…" The crooked smile returned with a mischievous glint on his eyes that lasted for just a second. "Interested in chicks, you?"

"And who isn't, pal?"

"Have to agree on that." He gave me a good-hearted laugh. "You sure a lot of fun, Kaori. Mind if you could join us? We're kind of new in town and you're a really good company."

"Hey, thanks. Who are them you're waiting for?"

"Huh, those guys over there." He raises his hand, waving to two other guys who were walking in. "And… eh, sorry, no chicks."

"Nah, I don't discriminate that much." And then I checked on said friends.

One was obviously gaijin: tall, short light brown hair, light colored eyes. Not bad looking, but too gaijin for my tastes. However he had a nice muscular build, and by the way he moved I picked him as someone who practiced martial arts. The other one, however, really caught my attention: Hot muscular body like the other, but a much better looker: straight short dark hair with heavy bangs almost covering his light eyes, slender nose, sculpted chin and cheekbones, a sexy and well delineated mouth; could be a model or something. I felt heavily attracted by the second I laid my eyes on him.

Yuri stood to present them both. Despite the drinking and the dim light of the club, there was something really nagging in the back of my head. The dark haired guy seemed familiar.

"Huh, guys, this is Kaori Ono, funny chick I just met." I flashed my best welcome grin as they approached. Yuri continued. "These two are my partners in crime- I mean, we're setting a photo studio here."

My mind was processing things very slowly, thanks to the alcohol. I decided to get a grip on the booze. Photo studio…

Suddenly, the pieces of the puzzle got all together. Photo studio. Yuri Kyione. Hunkiest guy I ever seen in a long time, oddly familiar. He looks back to me, smiling and showing his elongated teeth with slightly proeminent fangs.

When realization hit me, I got dead sober.

"Kaori, these are my friends John Lemos and Ryoga Hibiki."

"Hey, Kaori." The gaijin said in good Japanese, but with a heavy accent.

"Hey." Ryoga greeted me, still smiling politely, not showing any signs of recognition so far.

It's no wonder I didn't recognize him at first. Ryoga changed a good bit: He surely used to be a good-looking boy, but in no way you could tell back then that he would be as gorgeous as he is now. To say that his development saved his best for last is an understatement.

Back in our teenage years, he used to be very gullible and fall for all my disguises. That was then. I knew I also changed a good bit, but I wasn't exactly in a disguise. I wanted so bad that he didn't recognize me now. Even more, I was praying that he couldn't see what he was doing to me.

"Hiya!" My legs turned into jelly. I leaned in the balcony, trying my very best to act casual and conceal the fact that I was trembling violently.

Ryoga continues to stare at me, his eyes carrying an unprecedented intensity. Sure, he always had these soulful eyes, and they are as beautiful as ever. But they've changed. They're still intense, but not as readable as they used to be, since the ever present rage is gone, as is also the desperate sadness we could see when the rage wasn't there for some reason. The sadness evolved for strong hints of something that resembles a kind of melancholic resignation that makes him cuter than ever.

Yuri leans to greet him, and holds him by the waist in a way that let me know they were close, very close. No straight man would let another guy touch him like that. My mind was spinning, trying to analyze whatever I can. And he was looking at me again.

"Why, Ryoga… Something wrong with me?" I asked in the best sly tone I could muster, but praying inwardly to not listen a 'Ranma, is that you' answer.

"You seem to look really familiar."

I froze inside.

"Yah, yah, everybody say that. I must have a pretty common face."

"Actually you don't" His eyes were burning me. All I could think at the moment was that I must find a way out of this. Fast. "You seem anything but common."

"Ohh, that was a compliment, Kaori." Yuri giggled. "They're not so easy to come from this man."

"Oh, thank you, sir." I bowed in mock demure.

"You welcome." He leaned a little closer to the balcony. I tried to get all the information I can about him, and divert the situation from me.

"So, you're a hot shot photographer just like our friend Yuri, right?"

"Miles away from hot shot, but yeah, I am a photographer."

"Must be really exciting, huh?"

"It has its ups and downs."

"Aw, c'mon, what could be a down? Lots of traveling, good paychecks…"

"Spoiled people, stupid fashion parties, dealing with some really annoying people… But I do like the ups better than I dislike the downs." He sat beside me on the bar, called the bartender with a wave and ordered a bottle of scotch. "What would you like to have?"

"Uh, nothing really, I had a little bit too much already."

"And isn't it a good thing?" He flashed me another warm look, and then giggled.

"Kaori, would you mind sharing the bottle with him... Please?" John got himself in the middle of our talk. "This twit likes booze a bit too much for his own good."

"Hey!"

"Don't 'hey' me, pal, we're new in town and you're the one supposed to guide us here."

"Fine, fine…" I was laughing, much more to the idea of Ryoga guiding those guys around the city than anything else. "I'll share a bottle with him."

He poured himself a glass of whiskey and handed another one to me. As I looked around, Yuri and the other guy were happily chatting and entertaining themselves with one another. I tried to drink my shot slowly, and I couldn't help to notice that he was almost finishing his one.

"Uh, thirsty, hm?"

"Yeah, a little." He poured himself another one, as I kept thinking my best shot to keep my disguise was to have him drunk and not paying too much attention on me.

"What about the models? I thought models would be on the ups, not on the downs."

"You got me on that: I don't like models very much, that's more Yuri's thing. I'd rather shoot landscapes, documentaries and stuff."

"So what do you like about what you do?"

"I have a flexible schedule; it gives me time for my hobbies. Traveling is something I enjoy a lot, too." For hobbies I got his martial arts training. His stance showed that he's still the martial artist he used to be before; and my bet is he's gotten even better. But this would be an obviously dangerous issue to bring on, it could really bust me.

"Speaking of hobbies," Yuri cut in. "Ryoga, you won't guess what she does for a living."

"Does it have to do with dance or martial arts?"

"I'm a martial arts instructor…" My heart was pounding inside my chest, since I know this is a very dangerous territory to me; but I wasn't playing innocent. "My stance gave me in, right?"

"Yeah, and as far as I'm concerned you must be a really good one." He answered with a smirk. Red hair, martial artist… I prayed all the gods I knew to keep him from connecting the dots and bust me.

"You don't seem to be half bad yourself." I poked him at his side playfully. "I'd say even a really good one. Wonder how you keep this alter ego of you."

"Hum, I used to be a wandering martial artist when I was a teenager; I guess old habits die hard." He looked rather uncomfortable.

"Wandering?"

"Y'know, he may be the most badass fighter I've ever seen in action, but he has the uncontestable worst sense of direction of the world." The other guy, John, cut in. "In college, he used to carry a GPS tracker everywhere he went. Even to the bathroom, I'd say."

"Hey, Lemos!" He cut his friend in irritation. I smiled inwardly; getting to relax me a little more. Like if I didn't know who used to be Ryoga Hibiki, who could manage to get lost inside of a fucking closet.

"Okay, okay." He turned to me. "But fear not, Kaori. He's got so used to follow the GPS tracker he actually got a sense of direction on his own. Lousy as fuck, but better than nothing. But he still carries the GPS thingie with him all the time, just in case."

"Hey! It's integrated to my phone, you know." Ryoga protested. John seemed to be funny. In other times I could tell him a story or two about the old Lost Boy.

"Oh, and there's the problem I told you about him and booze." John went on. "When he gets drunk he gets all sad and whiny, then loses his sense of direction AND can't operate the GPS thing. In this case, dear Kaori, we trust you to bring him home safe and sound, or God knows where the Hell he might show up. If he can give you the right directions, that is." We all burst into laughter, as Ryoga fumed. And in his fuming I could see a glimpse of the Ryoga I used to know.

"Don't you worry, mister. You're safe with me." I told him in a sultry tone.

"Okay, now that everybody had fun on my expense, let's please drop this?" He's still fuming, and knowing him as I used to I took the lead we all should stop this right now.

"Calm down, dude, we're just kidding." Yuri clutched his arm, brushing his fingers on it and then whispering something to Ryoga.

What the heck was this guy doing, touching him like that?

"Kid me not, you guys." Ryoga said, still a little mad.

Yuri smirked while asking for another drink.

"There's a nice bunch of pals you've got, man…" I observed to him, as the other two kept talking on their own.

"Ah, yes. But they have this thing for picking on me, though."

"How did you meet them?"

"College. Johnny over there was my roommate when I moved out of my parents. I met him through my old coach, back in LA. He used to be into martial arts too, until he blew up his knee. Today… The bastard is a prick, you see, but he's like the brother I never had."

"Your coach?" I'd also never imagine him with a coach. I mean, Ryoga training in a gymnasium with a coach on his hair?

"Um-" He took another large gulp of his shot. "Yeah. While I was in college, I used to be into mixed martial arts competitions… You know, college jock. John was pretty much like that, too, and he had the same coach as me. Hard times, but it helped me through college's tuition just fine, though."

"But Coach Hal made our life hell, that bastard." John butted in. "At least, that was what Ryoga here used to say every single day. Didn't you, Ryoga?"

"Fuck you, John." Ryoga rolled his eyes. "Not that the Coach was innocent, but you are an even bigger pain in my ass, for fuck's sake."

"Don't mind them, Kaori…" Yuri rolled his eyes. "Johnny's being such an annoyance because he's clearly jealous of you. Which brings me to ask why he's seeing you as a threat."

"I am not! This is a blatant lie from your distorted mind, Yuri." John said with mock indignation.

"Ah! I gotta ask: John, how is it you speak Japanese?"

"My father's company transferred him to Tokyo when I was eight, and we lived here until I was fifteen. Then he moved to L.A."

"But, as you can see, he never managed to get rid of this horrific accent." Yuri snorted. "I mean, I know this guy since forever and he always spoke like a wild-west american sheriff."

"Ah?"

"Yeah, yeah." John rolled his eyes. "Yuri here is my sister's best friend, and we used to take martial arts classes at the same Dojo as I did when I used to live here. And, after I moved back to L.A., he eventually moved there too, to take his fashion and design degree."

"Martial arts,  _you_?" I turned to Yuri, surprised for not picking him as a martial artist before.

"Gotta do him justice" John answered me. "Femboy here's not your average fighter, but he used to be amazing at that back on our teens. Before he quit it all, went nuts and fled from Japan, that is."

"It was  _ages_  ago." Yuri raised a cryptic eyebrow. Then he noticed my amusement. "I mean, I still practice then and there and keep my black-belt god-knows-how, but nothing even close to what Ryoga here calls 'keeping up'. I mean, geez, the dude trains his ass off almost as if he was going to have a big match anytime soon; diet and all."

"Whoa" That I definitely could picture in my head. "And how on earth you guys ended into photography, then?"

"I always been kinda die-hard for fashion, art and photography, and always wanted to make a life out of it." Yuri smirked. "The martial art stuff used to be a gig for my family. I mean, it's cool and all, but I'd never, ever live off of that – no offense, honey…"

"Not taken." I replied, and he went on.

"Anyway. Despite Coach 'Hell' and all, John was into arts and photography as much as me. You see, he's the thug with the camera, but he's got a really good eye for photos and digital editions – he's not his sister's brother over nothing. And through him we've got Ryoga. We rescued the guy from being an engineer, the poor thing. This, or he would be one of those cage fighters in UFC or something. A destiny Johnny Boy here missed by a fucked up knee, to what Mommy Lemos thanks Heaven to this date. Not that he isn't currently trying to finish said knee off training just as much as Ryoga, but at least he had to quit the competitions."

As Yuri entered the chatting and started to talk about how he hurt his knee to the point of getting him out of professional fighting, he monopolized John; and Ryoga was all mine again. It's funny how I caught myself wanting him to pay attention on me, despite my situation. I was nervous, my hands were cold; but I was managing to act natural.

"But, hey" I giggled, while the other two retreated bickering about something. "You don't seem to have a bad knee like John. Did you just decide to stop fighting in the circuit, then?"

"Tournaments and official matches? For now, I think. I like photoshooting better, I guess. So does John, despite his knee and all…"

"And what about Yuri? I dig he's a friend of John's…" I really worked up my nerve here, but I was curious. I mean, I am a martial artist, part of my job on it is reading people's moves; and the way the Yuri guy moved around him…

"He went to the same college as me and always been around him, but it took me a while to get to know him better." He was slurring a bit, but still I could sense he was keeping something from me. "Uh… may I ask you something personal?"

"Sure."

"What were you asking Yuri about, before?"

"Ah, I once saw a photo shoot he did, the chick was really something. I kinda asked him if she was among the friends he was waiting for."

"Oooh… Then, if you're interested on chicks…" He averted his eyes to the bar, his expression unreadable. Then he looked at me, a little uneasy. "I mean, I shouldn't really ask you this, but…" He trails off, as if to think about a better way to ask me what he wants. I realized what he wants to know.

"I see. I swing both ways, y'know." I couldn't get him to think that I wasn't interested. I mean, it was the chance of a lifetime, right? Then a part of my mind told me I couldn't be serious.

"And you are… Straight?" I worked up my nerve. I mean, he sure wasn't paying attention to other guys, but still the way Yuri touched him seemed too much for 'just friends'. Nonetheless, the name bothered him a bit.

"Let's say, I like people."

"That's a really nice definition."

"Yeah, I worked on that in my mind for a while." He seemed a little pensive, and then he gave me a deep look, his eyes more beautiful than ever.

"Now" I leaned closer, so close that I'm just a couple inches away from him, and whispered in his ear. "I really like to be here, with you."

My breath faltered as I said that. I could feel his scent, which I remember so well. He was using a perfume, a really good one, but his scent was there, beneath the smell of smoke from the club, his perfume and my own. It had the same devastating effect as years ago. My mind was screaming at me I shouldn't do that, I really shouldn't. " _What if he finds it out?_ ", I kept thinking, but that other part of my mind that was so affected cooed to me " _what if he doesn't?_ "

He leaned his head on my direction, saying nothing.

I raised my hands and cup his face and kissed him. At first I just brushed my lips on his, feeling an electric jolt at the contact. I pressed my lips harder, he embraced me with his strong arms and held me close as he forced my mouth open and deepened the kiss. I've kissed quite a few people already, but nothing was like that one. He doesn't just look good and smell good. He tastes even better, even with the aftertaste of scotch on him. And he is an incredible kisser. If I had the chance to do it earlier, I would've gladly given myself up to him and to the hell with anything else. We continued to kiss, over and over again, his strong arms clutching me, as I felt his muscles beneath his clothes. Nothing I ever felt in my life was like this.

"Wouldn't you like to go somewhere else?" My voice was hoarse with arousal.

"Are you sure?" He nibbled my neck with his nose, but his tone seemed oddly concerned.

"Yes."

"Would you mind going to my place?"

"Not at all… And your friends…"

"They're big boys, they can handle themselves…"

We fled the club and took a cab to his place, a small loft close to my own. As we got there, we started to kiss again, and all of a sudden I could see ourselves taking each other clothes off. As my hands touched his body, as his hands went through mine, we shared steaming kisses that were setting my soul on fire. Hands down, that was the most erotic thing I've ever shared with anyone, and that were just foreplays.

His body was a state of art; as tall as my male form, slightly tanned, muscular, well-defined and slender, he was more beautiful than I ever imagined him to be. I could feel the shiver in his skin as he touched and kissed me, he's enjoying this as much as I am. And Gods, he knows how to touch a girl. Somewhere in the back of my head, I wondered how the naïve nosebleeding Ryoga I used to know turned out to be a lover like this. I felt him laying me on his bed, as he undressed the rest of his clothes. He was moving gracefully; his muscles tantalizing their power within. I touched him; in a way I know he'd never allow me to, and felt his hands on my body in a way he'd never do to me. And it felt good. Fantastic, really.

A part of my mind, however, kept screaming in my head, pleading me to stop. " _This is so wrong_ " it screamed at me, saying he needs to know I am… Ranma. Not some chick. Not some ordinary one-time gig from a random party at a club.

But there he was; setting me on fire by kissing and nibbling my neck, then my collarbone, then lowering his attentions to my breasts and then lower and lower, until he's going down on me. And, boy, it was  _good_. I'd done it already to some chicks to wonder on how good it might be, but never let someone try it on me, until now. He didn't disappoint a bit, and made me moan and scream in pleasure several times in a row. Then I turned him onto his back and straddled him to get him inside of me. For the very first time in my life I had someone in me, I didn't care one bit. I felt no pain at all, conditioned by ignore pain as I've been, and the awkward sensation of being full gave place to something much better. And I rode him, harder as the pleasure grew with the need, and I started to make it rougher on pure instinct. He was also melting under my attentions, I felt him tremble slightly while he grabs my hips and force me to move roughly up and down and then raising his back to sit down and kiss me. And his face, flushed with parted lips while panting in my mouth, was even more stunning than in my wildest dreams of him. Every other time I'd experienced something like this it would remind me of him, but not this time. Not with this intensity, not even close. This time, he _was_  there.

Words can't really do it justice.

It took all my stamina to stay awake, as he recovered to start it all over again. We did it several times more; I let him make me his plaything, as he let me make him mine. I never, ever shared such abandon, such intimacy with anyone else. This was the thing that marked my soul so many years ago, so deeply that it wouldn't disappear, or even fade. It was there every time I dared to look inside of me. I fought against it, because of the obligations and duties which were imposed on me, and lost. Then I fought a hard battle against myself to demolish the image that was constructed for me, and reinvent myself in my own terms. And, when I was ready, fate put him back on my life.

As we wore ourselves out and he drifted to sleep, I remained awake to look at him. And, gods, he's  _beautiful_. He changed a lot, but now, asleep by my side, with his arms around me, he looked almost like that Ryoga of years ago. My fingers brushed his face, as if trying to memorize his features; and his skin felt incandescent under my touch.

What I felt then, I never dared to name it. Lust, infatuation, obsession, I don't know. I just knew it was strong, strong enough to be called even… love. I shivered to this thought. Was it love, all this time? If so, how could I keep living, that I finally had him?

I knew I had to make a decision, I wasn't just some chick he met at a club, was I? No, I'm a guy, a guy who was also a girl, but a guy nonetheless. Even worse, I'm not a random guy, I'm Ranma. How would he deal with this? If he knew who I was, would he do it? I locked my gaze to his face. What now? Could I live without this? Could I live without him? Would he want me if he knew who I am?

Of course not.

I spent hours looking at him in his sleep, fearing the time I'd have to leave and go home, because then… I'd never see it again. When my time came, I leaned to kiss him, and he stirred, opening his eyes slowly. As he saw me, he gave a lazy smile.

"Hello…"

I smiled back to him. He put his arm around me, and pulled me close to him, leaving a trail of kisses from my head to my lips. I snuggled myself on his embrace, knowing that soon I'll have to leave, but, oh, I wanted to stay…

I couldn't keep this travesty for long.

"Hey, listen…" I kissed him lightly on his lips over and over again while I tried to stand up and then grab my stuff. "I gotta go… But I'll leave the curtains shut, you sure deserve your rest."

He frowned a bit, still sleepy. I was dressing myself fast while fighting a lump on my throat; suddenly afraid the dawn would bust my cover.

"Hey, Kaori…"

"Yeah?" I turned to face him from his room's door.

"Can I see you again?"

I was barely breathing; the lump on my throat more painful than any kick, any blow I ever got, even from him. His scent was all over the room, and everywhere in my mind.

I knew better than that. I knew this was bound to not last.

"Sure, baby. Give me your number, I'll call you."

OOO

* * *

To the footnotes and rambled reports:

This is it, people - all the former chapters came to explain how this could happen - so what's next, now?

Stay tuned!

* * *

Human Being, 02/27/2014

 


	7. House of Cards

  


* * *

**House of cards**

* * *

_"I'm coming through the door_  
But they're expecting more  
Of an interesting man  
Sometimes I think I can  
But how much can I fake  
I'll speak until I break  
With every word I say  
Offend in every way"  
Offend in every way – The White Stripes

* * *

 

~ _Ranma Saotome's Journal - sixth entry._

As I came home, the reality of that mistake crushed me. My conscience – or whatever I have in its place – kept screaming at me all the ways in what I did was wrong, wicked, and would be misinterpreted in each and every way possible. I mean, come on: How many times did I tease Ryoga on my female form before? Wasn't that the trick I'd pull to put him down, pester him or take him out of my way?

And this time it wasn't an innocent prank – I had sex with him pretending to be someone else.

I mean, even if that guy from the club touched him funny and he didn't confirm to be straight, I was pretending to be some random chick, not me. He didn't bed a guy, didn't bed  _me_ , he did the girl I was pretending to be.

_"We hardly are those kids anymore"_ , I could hear his voice from years ago chanting in my mind.

Indeed. We're not those kids, are we? Is anything left of the kids you and I used to be, Ryoga? Will we ever know?

This time, maybe, was the first one I felt hurt to turn into the man I really am.

I went to my bed, trying my best to sleep; but I couldn't. In the bath, I vowed I would not call him. 'Kaori' would never make her appearance again. But other part of me wanted to call him, set another date – this time a proper one – and let him take me all over again.

That aside, I just knew it didn't stop there. My jig could be up anytime he'd see me on my girl form. Yes, I know Nerima isn't the same place as when he left and red hair is a quite common trait over here nowadays thanks to hair dye and all, but still.

I didn't throw the paper away, though. Instead, I placed it in a small tin in the drawer beside my bed. Why? Because I am stupid, that's why.

However, to make up for my own stupidity, the first thing I did early on the morning of the day after was take my soap bar from Jusenkyo to lock myself male for a while. I knew very, very well that it would be just a matter of time for us to be officially introduced again, so keeping accidents with cold water away would be an excellent idea.

And heh, wasn't I right. It didn't take long to the news about his comeback reach my ears.

At first, no one knew that Ryoga was back. But then Nabiki found him in an art exposition, and soon the entire Nerima crew was aware of his return. Everyone was happy to see him again and really surprised about how much he changed. Then Ukyo threw a party for the inauguration of the third restaurant of her franchise and, of course, insisted on him to come.

It was the first time I met him as Ranma after his comeback.

On my side, all I could say is that I was even more nervous than the night at the club. Beside the anticipation, I couldn't help the sensation he would bust me as soon as he laid his eyes on me; but I knew well enough our meeting was unavoidable. On that night, I got dressed to this party as if I was to go on a death row. I bathed, put some perfume, did my hair into a brand new pigtail, picked my best outfit.

Ranma Saotome has an image to keep, after all.

When I got at Ucchan's, everyone was there; except him. A few moments later, however, my time was up. "There's someone who must be dying to scream 'Ranma Saotome, prepare to die'!" I heard Ukyou's playful voice when she grabbed my arm and dragged me to the front hall, where he was now standing just after he arrived. And my entire body started to tingle numbly with dread when his eyes met mine. The same eyes of the man I've shared some of the most intimate moments of my life with just a few days ago.

On the stronger lights of Ucchan's, he looked even better than at that club, for fuck's sake. And for a moment, there was  _something_  on his eyes that almost set me in panic, but then he walked towards me and raised his arm for a handshake.

"Ryoga Hibiki" I steadied myself and crooked the cocky smile I am so well known to have. "Long time no see, eh, Mr. P?"

"Ranma Saotome" He smiled back, his fangs and his teeth creating a killer smile on his own. "Indeed, long time no see."

"I warn you guys," Ukyou said playfully. "No fighting in the restaurant, okay?"

"Sure thing, Ucchan" I replied, easing myself as best as I could, feeling a short pang of relief to know my cover isn't at stake. "Today won't be the day I'll 'prepare to die'" And, as I said it, his sly smile turned into a laughing, one I don't remember him having so many years ago.

"You don't have to, really" He said. "I won't warn you when your time's up, Saotome."

He got there late, of course. But not because he got lost: He said his cab took too long to pick him up at his place. Sure, having money on his pocket and his GPS equipped phone now prevented the wanderings just fine; but everyone noticed how he managed not to get lost inside of Ucchan's, which is a remarkable improvement for the boy he used to be. And, sure, everybody wanted to know what the hell he had been doing with his life while away from Nerima and from the old gang. And, for a moment, I even thought things would turn out smoothly.

Then I realized he was barely talking to me. He, the man who I spent the night with, was not even looking at me, as if I was a total stranger. Which I was: He didn't make love to me, he did it to Kaori. And, right then, I was Ranma, his former buddy he hadn't seen for almost ten years. But that was my rational mind thinking, which did nothing to appease the urge of having him paying attention to me.

However, as Akane started to monopolize him with her demands on knowing how L.A. was like, my uneasiness grew much worse. Not out of fear of getting myself busted, but on a slight sense of jealousy he'd get to pay attention on her all over again. Well, Akane  _was_  his first big crush and the reason behind all the 'P-chan' farce, and now she was single. Not technically single because she was seeing someone and so, but at least she wasn't married to me anymore, nor in an engagement. And, for all I could see sitting beside them, they still had that 'click' they used to have as friends, which Ryoga used to read all wrong as a fuel for his old hopes with her. And sometimes he even seemed as awkward around Akane as he used to be when he was wooing her while lacking the guts to tell how he really felt.

And paying attention on what he was doing while talking to her, I was having one shot after another without even noticing.

"My, my, Ryoga." Akane said, her smile also in her eyes, something I saw little when she was with me. "You changed a good bit..."

"Oh, c´mon… I didn't change much more than you all did."

"Indeed, you did. Photographer, you? My, I wouldn't see it coming in a long shot." Ukyou complied.

"Why yes; photographer, me!" Ryoga gave them a good hearted laugh. "C'mon, Ukyou, how would you see me after all those years? As an engineer?"

"Why you, Ryoga, it seemed to me much more likely than you taking pictures for a living and making money out of it, ne?" Ukyou answered, poking him.

"Or getting lost from L.A. to Nerima and tryin' to beat me up one more time over a bread feud." I said; the alcohol and my irritation getting the best of me and setting my foot straight up to my mouth. "That sounds more likely."

The chit-chat was cut for a short moment, and Ryoga held his gaze on me. His expression was unreadable. Akane, however, glared at me; her expression crystal clear of her disapproval. Then Ukyou, already a little tipsy herself, shot the deadly question.

"So, Ryoga, as you're not with Akari since ages ago… Rumor has it you're single. Anyone in mind?"

Everyone laughed, Ryoga included.

"Not yet."

My blood boiled in my veins.

No one? I would show him.

"Ah, but it shouldn´t be a problem…" Nabiki said to him. "I gotta say that you're a much better catch now than then, if you know what I mean. So, are you available?"

"Nabiki!" Kuno said in mock outrage. "I'm right here, you know…"

"Yes you are, but I heard through the grapevine our Ryoga here is making good money on his shoots. And I always had a talent on taking pictures for good cash, hadn't I Kuno baby?"

As they both were giggling to each other, I sensed my opportunity.

"Ooohh, As I see, Mr. P stole my place as "Most wanted bachelor in town!" I said, frowning. "This may be the first time he wins me on something."

"Nooooo Ranma. You know you'll always be Nerima most wanted guy ever!" Nabiki, also tipsy, was openly mocking me.

Again, everyone laughed, except for him. His expression was unreadable again, but his eyes were glinting. He was starting to get angry. And, well, I haven't lost my touch: No one on Earth could make Ryoga angrier than me.

But he would not give in; not here, not now, not yet.

"Nah, Nabs. I ain't no hot shot, you know that…" I was sipping my drink slowly. He was glaring at me.

"No hot shot? You gotta be kidding me, Ranma. I know a bunch of people that would come to you in a second if you just whistle at them. Thanks God Shampoo is not included anymore and neither is Ukyo, but the rest of Nerima girls are clearly interested…" Mousse, drunk as he was, and not knowing what exactly he was getting into, went on and on with the issue. Ryoga was getting angrier; he knew that behind the jokes was a hint of truth. Such old feelings could yet come back for haunting. And I was Ranma. He would never – ever – take that from me.

"Well, who am I to contest that, eh, Mousse? We all know the say, Ranma Saotome always wins." Ryoga raised his drink for a toast, in which everyone joined him. "Let's celebrate, guys… To Ranma!"

Motherfucker.

I mock laughed in the toast, but I was really mad. I could punch him senseless right there and right then, and I was barely holding myself back. No one could tell how angry I got.

Maybe with the exception of Akane, who as soon as possible pulled me to a corner.

"Ranma, care to explain what the hell were you trying to do before, talking to Ryoga like that?"

"Chill out, Akane. No need to be all touchy-touchy on how I talk to the pig-boy. He's perfectly able to take the heat and don't explode in a Shi-shi-Hokodan, if you hadn't noticed yet."

"I am not worried about him, you jerk; since he always had more manners than you. But I have the slightest impression you're messing up – and badly."

"And how exactly am I messing up the lost dodo?" I shot back. "Didn't you see him  _cheering_  me?"

"Oh… You are jealous of the attention he's getting, aren't you?" Akane sighed. "And here I thought you might have been talking serious when you told me all that crap about him when we split up."

"I was  _dead_  serious." My voice lowered a bit.

"Then what is it you're antagonizing him on your very first opportunity to talk to him after all those years? You got 'over' it or what?"

Not my first opportunity, but I couldn't tell Akane, of all people, what I did. And it didn't help me cope with the massive frustration I was feeling.

"Akane, why don't you jus' go there and let him chat you up happily as he's been doing all night?"

"Chat me… what? Ranma, really, he's just talking to me!" She chided, and realization sank in me – she was right. And even if she's not… Who am I to ask something of him? I am Ranma, his old rival at martial arts, and also his old rival for Akane's heart.

To see him acting like that to her, of all people, was harder than I ever thought to be. The same guy who had me on his bed, who made me feel the way I felt then, the guy who's been in my mind all those years was on my arm's reach; yet I could do shit while he was all attentions to with my ex-wife.

Not as Ranma Saotome, at least.

I dismissed Akane giving her reason on her remarks, saying whatever she wanted to hear.

The party went on, and both he and I talked casually with each other. Yes, he asked me about the Tendo-Saotome school; and I was told about his years as a mixed martial arts college athlete in L.A. And when everybody learned how hard he was training as an athlete in the college circuit, the unavoidable happened and everyone suggested the same – we, as sparring partners.

That got both of us uneasy: he, because that was Nerima and martial arts was my element, and he was all about showing everyone he's not that old Ryoga anymore… And me, because the last person in the world I'd like to roll over a training mat with would be him. I shouldn't, not after what I did to him at that night.

But no one would let the idea go.

"Ryoga, c'mon" Akane pressed on. "You won't want to lose the edge you trained so hard to get, right?"

"Oh, well…" Ryoga tilted his head. "I'm not into competitions anymore, and the studio will keep me a lot busy…"

"So you quit training for now?" Mousse asked, genuinely curious. "Because by your stance, it really seems you didn't; much the other way around."

"Well, no…"

"Well, if you're still training" Akane pointed out. "You might as well do that on the Main Dojo, where Ranma teaches and trains. Of course you guys won't duel or anything; but I don't really see anyone better to keep you fit than him…"

I don't know what the fuck she had on her head to say that, maybe she was trying to get us on good terms again or bring him closer to me and all; but to me it seemed a bad, very bad idea.

"…Right, Ranma?"

"Well, yes" I said, then again my mouth taking the best out of me. "I am curious to see what new tricks Ryoga had learned. Not that they would help him not getting his ass kicked, but still."

"Okay, then" He shrugged. "I actually owe Ranma some sparring sessions – and some good beatings as well…"

"My, now we're talking like the ol' times" Ukyou giggled.

When I went home, the whole idea of getting pieces and bits of that past back into my life was getting me terrified, to say the least. No, I didn't want to be his sparring buddy, nor his rival over Akane Tendo's love. Didn't wanna any of this shit again. Not after what I felt, of what I had that night, when he was inside of me, when he was moaning his pleasure on my mouth while we were coming together.

I'd damn well rather to not see him ever again than be the old Ranma to him.

And certainly I didn't want him to go all the way back to Akane, trying to compete with her new boyfriend as he used to do with me. I couldn't abide that, I just wouldn't lose him that way.

I spent the next day on a hot bathtub, scrubbing myself to get the soap out. Then, when a cold spree of water was able to change me to a girl, I went for his phone number inside of that tin and then for my own phone – a secondary number, actually; because I ain't that stupid to call him from my main number, especially to do what I was about to do.

After some rings, he picked up.

"Hello?"

"Hey, baby." I said, in a cheerful and sexy tone. "Did you miss me?"

OOO

* * *

To the footnotes and rambled reports:

Okey, now's the time y'all will say "Ranma... You shouldn't". But gee, despite Ranma's good intentions, he didn't change from being sometimes the inconsiderate jerk who's going to take what he wants on his way to victory... But how's gonna Ryoga take it?

Stay tuned!

* * *

Human Being, 03/05/2014

 


	8. Cheap shot

 

 

 

 

* * *

**Cheap Shot**

* * *

_"I would tell you about the things they put me through_  
 _The pain I've been subjected to_  
 _But the Lord himself would blush_  
 _The countless feasts laid on my feet_  
 _Forbidden fruits for me to eat_  
 _But I think your pulse would start to rush_  
 _Now I'm not looking for absolution_  
 _Forgiveness for the things I do_  
 _But before you jump to any conclusions_  
 _Try walking in my shoes – you'll stumble in my footsteps."_  
Walking in my shoes – Depeche Mode

* * *

_~Ranma Saotome's Journal; seventh entry_ :

The club we chose to meet again was distinctly different from the other we met the first time. Actually, it was much more like a pub, and far less crowded. The idea, actually, was having some drinks before we headed to wherever he suggested to go. And, of course, he got a bit late – I guess half an hour late is pretty much acceptable as an improvement to someone who used to get days late on showing at an appointment. Or a challenge.

Honestly, I didn't know how to call that meeting of ours.

A part of me was still mad at him – thinking he had no right to ignore Ranma Saotome the way he did. I mean, wasn't I his friend? Didn't I deserve a better treatment from a guy I considered a good buddy back then?

My own mind answered it to me: Actually, despite I saved him and all, he had plenty reasons to dislike me, hadn't he?

For the record, I never considered all of this a good idea. It was a really fucking lousy one, actually, but I was way past it then. I couldn't let him come back to Nerima to go straight to Akane. Or to anyone else, not after what we did. I wanted him, so bad it hurt, but I also knew I wanted more than sex or physical pleasure.

And even if it changed and we grew from acquaintances to good friends… Fuck that noise, I don't wanna be friends with him, or a random fuck-buddy chick. I wanted him to love me, feel the same lump in my throat and the same nervous tingle I felt every time he cast his eyes on me.

Exactly what I felt when he arrived, spotted me at the pub and smiled, coming at my direction to take a seat by my side.

I smiled, put my date face on, and in a heartbeat I was his Kaori, and he was the beautiful stranger everyone now called Ryoga.

We drank, talked, laughed, charmed and chatted each other up, and soon enough he took me to his place and, again, we fucked each other. Back then I'd say "we made love", but… No, we didn't. Because he was there with me and I was there with him; but I was playing a persona I created for him. However, at that night where we've been together for the second time, I realized he wasn't himself as well. Not that it made our encounters – because others came after this second one – less heated or it dimmed the maddening feeling I had when his hands went through my body. But it still hurt, in a way; the fact I sensed we both were playing make-believe to each other was giving the whole experience a bittersweet sensation.

Unlike before, he's no longer emotionally wide open and physically shut by his martial arts body conscience and pathological shyness, now it's the other way around: I could access him physically all I wanted, but I could almost feel the shutdown whenever I get emotionally closer than what he considered 'safe'. Like a 'mask', a reverse mirror of himself, where he hides from people he considers 'dangerous'.

A mask he would drop around Akane, but certainly not around Ranma. And not around "Kaori"; at least not yet.

Yeah, but what good would it bring to me? To him? To us?

Back in the past we used to be rivals, although we always helped each other when we needed the most. But I'd always been a careless jerk, and he'd been unstable and touchy. How many times I teased him, made fun of him? How many times he threatened me with his "Die, Saotome" bravado?

Wouldn't we just end up hurting each other?

I always had been able to get the worst out of people, and surely I made it a lot to him when we were younger. If we made it and related to each other as Ranma and Ryoga, how long would it take for me to put my foot in my mouth? Or for him to lash out at me? How long until we drifted back to our old pattern?

But I wanted him so much. I wanted him more than life itself.

And what do I do when I want something? That's right: I go and take it, no matter what. Even if 'no matter what' means exploiting your opponent's weaknesses. That's what I used to do before, that's what Ranma Saotome does to win. That's when 'Kaori Ono' ceased to be a random chick.

Like I said, other dates came after this one. I told him I wanted to meet him again, and again, and again... He kept saying yes, and when he did so, I decided I'd turn Kaori into his dream girl. There would be no way he could trade me for any other girl, I was up to fucking guarantee that. I'd to whatever he wanted, whatever it could take to win his heart and make him mine.

And what about "Ranma"? Well, I'd also be around, and when I felt him comfortable around me and loving me as Kaori… I'd figure something out. But for starters, 'sparring partner' seemed nice, huh?

In theory.

As I found out as 'Kaori', sharing sexual experiences, sometimes rough ones, was a language that Ryoga now felt comfortable with, much more than sharing emotions. He turned to be cool, steady, carefully calculated and cynical, even if in a rather self-depreciative way. I couldn't read him as easily anymore, actually most of the time I couldn't read him at all. Sometimes he seemed to be a whole different person around me.

I was blind to his moves.

Actually, in the past we used to connect well by fighting or sparring. And that's what happened next, between us. Maybe I could approach him better as Ranma, through the Art; like we used to.

I followed the lead Akane set out on Ucchan's: One day I 'bumped' into him and chatted him up into sparring with me on the Dojo. At first, he was skittish, and I knew why: his strongest link to his past where I was an important piece, even if I hadn't known, was the Art. This connection survived Akane, Akari, college, career; his deepest inner changes. It did because it was his way to deal with the lonely angry boy inside of him.

But he wasn't seeking to best me on combat, anymore. Our old connection as rivals came from that, our mutual competitive natures where one wanted to excel the other. Now the Art was a kind of sanctum for his solace through his lonely days, pent-up frustrations, real and imagined enemies. It still is. And on this place, he wasn't feeling like letting me in that much.

But I am insistent. And certainly knew what buttons to push.

When he showed up to the sparring session, he was wearing an entire black outfit, a sleeveless shirt and string loose black pants that reminded a lot his old style, minus his leg straps and the bandanna. He was a vision of perfection, trim muscles moving with the grace of a wolf. I held my breath; dressed like this he managed to remind me who he used to be, who attracted me so.

"So," I began to say "It seems you did your homework. Let's see what you got."

He didn't say a word, and assumed a defensive stance, a good one. In the back of my head, I wondered where he had learned that. As he continued still, I leapt forward and struck him with a fast punch, like I used to, waiting for his block. Instead, he dodged rather easily. I couldn't help to notice that he was faster than he used to be, more gracious too. To my eyes, he moved almost sensuously.

"Hmm. You got faster, I see." I purred.

I charged again, even faster. And again he dodged. His grin disappeared.

"You're holding back." He said narrowing his eyes, but his expression unreadable. I didn't sense his battle aura.

"Of course I am. I don't wanna hurt you." I started to taunt him. Before, he would be already flaming me at this point. Now all he gave me was a wide grin, showing off his fangs. But his eyes were still blazing at me, with something that I still couldn't read. He moved closer, gracefully, but wide open for my attack. I narrowed my eyes, as I noticed what he was trying to do: He was letting himself open on purpose, mocking me, taunting me back. Okay, I thought, time to get serious. I charged at him with his guard down. He leapt and dodged my punch, but not easily this time. I didn't give him time to recover and charged again. With his guard down, he had to block this one. But it was a really good block, I hit him hard. He still had his legendary endurance from the Bakusai Tenketsu training.

"So" he said in a satisfied tone "Now are we getting serious?"

He leapt and struck me with a roundhouse kick, I dodged. He was faster, much faster than before. I counterattacked while he was still landing on the ground, he dodged. Admittedly, I was having a hard time through his defenses. Instead, he grabbed me and brought the fight to the ground. There, his strength was an advantage point, but for his surprise, in the same way he grew faster, I grew stronger. As he tried to immobilize me to the ground, I managed to break free.

We finally reached the point I wanted, where none of us was holding back. He wasn't just my old rival, he grew much better. Calmer, more centered, with knowledge of many martial styles. A true anything-goes martial artist to be reckoned with. He was getting faster and faster, without prejudice to his strength. He was going to give me a much harder time than I expected. Actually, he could even win this one, but of course I wouldn't let him. Somehow, he noticed that determination on me and retreated, waiting for my attack. When I did, he blocked and counterattacked, almost trapping me.

I realized one of the tactics I used to have, while fighting him: I always used his weakness against him, which was his raging wrath. It made him slower and a worse strategist in a fight. His battle aura would flare skyrocket, and he would soon appeal to ki attacks, which are efficient but strenuous. Now it's gone. He was not determined to defeat me, or prove himself a better fighter than me. He was sparring with me, and sparring only. We kept fighting, in both air and ground; I admit that he was marveling me. I didn't have such a sparring partner, or such a match, in a long time.

I trapped him to the ground, knowing that he could still break free and push us back to the air. We were very very close, both sweaty and panting. I waited for his reaction, he gave me none. I kept him close in my trapping embrace, grabbing him harder by his wrists; he relaxed his body on my arms, his eyes fiery hot, his mouth slightly parted.

He was so beautiful like that, the perfect balance between power and vulnerability…

My mind reeled. The perception of his proximity, his scent, the touch of a body I came to know so well in my disguise, and the very same mindblowing attraction I felt so many years ago mingled on all my senses; dulling all of them to nothing but him, there. Again, my male body responded much faster, almost too fast for me to realize the impending disaster to come if I stayed there, pressing onto him on a sweaty floor.

My face was mere inches away from his.

I sincerely don't know how I could hide the beginning of the hard-on I had then. Anyway, the gods bless loose pants.

"Enough." His voice rasped, and I silently thanked him for breaking the moment. The only thing I could do was to nod while he backed from me and kneeled down the other corner of the dojo, panting from the rough exercise.

He used the collar of his shirt to dry his forehead and his face, I was fighting hard to put myself together.

"You kept you vow" I said, much more to break the awkward atmosphere than anything, but I wasn't lying. "You still can hold a candle to me in a fight.

"Why, thanks" His sardonic tone annoyed me, but I also distinctively felt him rising up his defenses. My mouth went dry by just imagining he could have sensed my arousal, even though calling this 'arousal' would be simplistic as fuck. "You also gave me a good workout."

"We…" I tried to say something, anything to keep him from dashing away from the Dojo, and keep a leverage to let him comfortable to come back. But what the fuck Ranma Saotome would say to keep Ryoga Hibiki 'comfortable', anyway? "…Should fight for real some time."

He gave me one of those looks I couldn't read anymore.

"Tomorrow at the same time, Mr. P?"

"Tomorrow at the same time." He answered, to then bow, like a student would bow to his sensei, but with a mock smirk.  _"Sensei_ "

I went home, straight to the cold shower to cut out a raging hard-on; but the sensorial overload of him at that dojo didn't let me as a girl, much the other way around. Mainly because my female body was imprinted by his hands on me, on a different kind of spar, and only the memory of that was driving me crazy. And this frenzy state of conscience didn't let me realize how deep I was sinking when I picked the phone to call him as Kaori to set a date at that same evening.

As usual, he said yes. However, I didn't want to go to some random place to have some booze and then go to his house to get laid. I met him straight there. Lucky me he was in that mood, too.

As he opened the door and saw it was me, he dragged me in to then push me to the wall, his hands all over my body. The way we were grappling to each other resembled an awful lot the way we grappled to each other earlier, when I was male and sparring with him; and I couldn't tell if it was me guiding him into it or if it was him still under the effects of that moment in the Dojo – because as much as I'd like to think he didn't notice or didn't feel anything weird, I knew well how farfetched this possibility was. But then, at his house, on his bedroom, that pent-up tension was okay – I was his Kaori, and Kaori was no fragile damsel. 'She' was a martial artist who could take his heat at its worst.

We both wanted it rough, as harsh as possible. He wanted to hear me wincing in pain, I wanted to pull his hair and hear him grunting in response, mimicking his grunts while I hit him and he hit me back on our sparring session. Then he turned me on my back, put me on my fours, lubricated me the best he could to take me from behind while jerking me off with his other hand.

I couldn't help myself from thinking about the night we and Akane had our final fight, on how I wanted to punish her with that for busting me and exposing me the way she did. But he wasn't causing me much pain; it wasn't meant to be a punition, was it?

And his Kaori wouldn't wince away from him. Akane would, any other girl he'd find here would; but I would not.

It hurt, yes, but while he kept stimulating me and I grew used to it, the pain mingled with the pleasure – just like I wanted it to on the dojo floor. My body responded in kind, heating out of conscious control and trembling so much I had a hard time steadying myself on position while my body contracted violently due to the orgasm that came as a freight train, for me and for him.

I gave myself away. Also, I realized I'd gladly do it as my male self, if I had the chance.

'Kaori' wasn't entirely a lie, after all.

OOO

* * *

To the footnotes and rambled reports:

Well, I know you guys who follow this got a while without any words from me - I am deeply sorry, I've been incredibly busy this month due to my master's degree, my thesis and all. But fear not! These babies WILL be finished - and soon. After april 28th, I'll be a free gurl again, and you'll hear a lot from Ranma, Ryoga and the deep shitty mess they've got themselves this time.

Also, I'd like to thank the followers and favoriters here, and a big very special thank to  **desierto** for her review! Well, I hope you guys like this one!

Stay tuned!

* * *

Human Being, 04/03/2014

 


	9. Come Undone

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

* * *

** Come Undone **

* * *

_"I wear this crown of thorns  
Upon my liar's chair  
Full of broken thoughts  
I cannot repair…  
_ … _What have I become, my sweetest friend?_  
 _Everyone I know goes away in the end_  
 _And you could have it all_  
 _My empire of dirt_  
 _I will let you down_  
 _I will make you hurt"_  
Hurt – Johnny Cash/Nine Inch Nails

* * *

 

_~Ranma Saotome's Journal - eight entry_.

If my former marriage to Akane has given me any weird habits, one of them was that: During the passing of years, I use to measure the trouble in my love life through the use of my Jusenkyo soap. When everything was fine – or, more likely, when I was away from her, I'd use it daily to lock myself male. But when I was hell bent on avoiding contact, a bar would last months on me.

Precisely what was happening right now, but for the exact opposite reason.

Not using it demanded me to be extra-careful around water. Also, people aren't so used to my changing anymore because they kind of expect me to use the soap to lock myself male, like everyone else does. I mean, the soap isn't a big deal to get anymore, and seems to work just fine if used daily. At least, it seems to work for Pops,Mousse...

…And Ryoga. The one I was forfeiting the soap for quite some time now; because, well… We were seeing each other on a very regular basis with me as "Kaori". And, to make things much worse, Ranma Saotome was still sparring with Ryoga Hibiki. We set our sparring sessions at the Dojo thrice a week, at least. Everything aside, that would have been a great idea: His former coach had made a hell of a job training his ass to be one of the very best martial artists I ever fought, even to Nerima standards: If we fought for real, him winning over me could be a very real possibility now. Plus, our connection worked us to quick improve both our skills, in a sync I never felt to any of my former sparring partners.

However, all that physical affinity, outrageously evident at the first time we sparred after he came back, was there for all to see; and the sexual nature of this link was far too obvious – at least for me. So, every time things got heated on the dojo floor – which meant basically every time we sparred – 'Kaori' and him would seek each other to encounters to which the word 'romp' made no fucking justice. To be honest, I even think even our connection at sparring and fighting back then came from that. It didn't show only on that day in the cave, it showed on each and every opportunity we had together; both with Ranma in the Dojo or with Kaori in the bedroom. And, boy, it is powerful, even if it were the only thing connecting us.

But in my case, despite its power over me, I also knew it was not only lust, nor passion, nor not just a matter of wanting him pinning over me as I once pinned over him. I wasn't up to make him fall for me just to get a good fuck, or to get the satisfaction of having him all over me. There was something else, and sometimes it got so strong in me it scared me to death.

I've never been used to give myself away. I always hid my feelings of love and fondness as if they were weaknesses, and it only got worse after what happened on that cave. Ryoga was the opposite; his feelings were always on his very surface, pushing him to extremes back and forth. Even his least honorable acts on his life came from his feelings, on his very surface: His love to Akane drove him to play P-chan; and he never hid it from me, he never denied loving her when he was asked about it. However, if now he could keep them under better control, they were still there, clear in his artwork as a photographer, or by people who knew him better than me, despite the mask of physical bonding and emotional indifference he built around himself.

But I wanted to breach that wall. At the beginning, after Ucchan's party, I partially did it out of pride, out of my will to get him to feel for me the same overwhelming things I felt for him. Feelings that weren't at all rational or even healthy, but I felt for him from that day on that cave I had him on my arms for the first time; and only got worse after I had him again.

However, as I kept playing Kaori to him and sinking deeper into a spider web of make-believe, I found myself tasting him in my mouth, feeling his scent on my skin after a heated date, and it felt like truth. I felt good, I felt free, I felt  _his_. And he wasn't immune to me, that I could perceive well. Yes, he tried to keep his distance, but when we were together, whispering sweet nothings on my ear, kissing or fucking or even sparring as our true selves, I could sometimes feel on him something like… What I felt for him.

Or maybe it was a mere reflection of my insanity, but it seemed true. Or close enough.

It gave me hope.

Under the guise of my ideal of what his perfect woman should be, I ended up loose; more open than ever in my whole life. Disguised as a girl by the female body I once hated so much, I stripped myself bare to him, with no shame, no second thoughts, no defense shields to protect my weaknesses. Because "Kaori" wouldn't need them, not around her Ryoga. I didn't care if it were love, what I felt for him, or what he felt for me; I gave myself completely. I asked nothing, demanded nothing, I just wanted to be with him. Of course I'd dream day and night to have his hands on me as my real self, but Kaori could cuddle him, pamper him, care for him, give him the love that would make the 'man among men' look silly and fragile. Kaori could do that, Ranma Saotome could not.

Nothing of that changed the fact that, at the end of the day, Kaori was a fucking lie.

A lie was everything I had.

Was that what he felt so long ago, when he was 'P-chan' to Akane? If so, life really has a wicked sense of irony.

And the clock was ticking. As time passed, the disguise was getting harder and harder to keep up. One lie pulled another, and soon enough I had to create a whole storylife for the girl Ryoga was seeing. And, as the lies piled up on me, I grew closer and closer to get busted. But amidst my hopes and dreams full of him, I couldn't recognize the danger most of the times.

And, when it screamed at me, I gave it far less attention than I should.

I called him one day at lunchtime, after one sparring session that sent me home to a sleep full of dreams of him. This was quite a habit by then – sparring sessions at late afternoon, dates and sex at evening or on the other day. This time, however, it took a little while to pick up the call, and when it did… I heard Akane's voice on the line. Laughing, like if she heard something funny from someone nearby, then she said "Hello, Hibiki's phone".

I immediately hung up without saying a fucking word, but not out of mortal fear of being busted, like I should. Oh, no. I was trembling and my hands were tingling; but it was out of outrage, not fear. I mean, here we were all this time seeing each other and fucking and sparring and so on and then Akane, of all fucking people, picks up his phone like she owns it? Like, she's so close to Ryoga she takes this kind of liberty to him, to his things, to his fucking phone?

I got mad. So fucking mad it didn't even occur to me that Akane might know the number I called him as my spare number, and could see right through my disguise if I showed up before her eyes as "Kaori". None of these crossed my mind as I ran into my car to drive to his studio; all I could think of was I hadn't done all I've been doing to handle him over to Akane, no less.

But I didn't have to find her out. Or him, either. Both of them were walking on the street, laughing and chatting happily on their way to a café nearby. I followed them, hiding my red hair on a cap and wearing some clothes and a hoodie that used to fit both of my forms, and slipped inside the café to watch them closely. I mean, wasn't Akane seeing someone? Why the interest on Ryoga?

I knew, however, I couldn't approach them as "Kaori". Akane would bust me on the spot, and… dressed like that, I was looking an awful lot like Ranma, not as Kaori. I kept quiet, sitting on a table not very close to theirs, eyes fixed on them; but already sorely regretting being there. Then it hit me: I surely couldn't be there as Kaori, but why not as… Ranma?

I dashed to the bathroom, as fast and as discreet as I could, but on the hall I felt a hand clutching my arm.

"Ranma?" Akane's voice startled me. She was at the women's bathroom door, both of us away from the tables. I walked inside, she followed me. "What is it you're not using your soap?"

"I ran out of it." I said, a bit dryly, as she eyed me carefully. "Then, obviously, I got wet by accident, and I got inside the café to change back."

"I see." She said, still eyeing me from head to toe. "I didn't see you getting in, though."

"Oh, well" I grinned, not worrying on keeping my irony away from her. "I did. Both you and Ryoga were sitting on a table close to the front door. Good to see you and the pigbutt are getting along so well, actually."

"You could come by and sit with us." She replied, nonchalantly. "It's not like we're not used to you looking like this."

"Yeah, I could, but I had something else in mind." I answered back, keeping a dry tone on purpose. "Besides, you both seemed to have such a nice time together, I didn't want to interrupt."

"Yeah, right..." She said and I stepped away from her to walk towards the hot water tap, but she stopped me with her hand on my shoulder.

"Ranma… What are you up to this time?" She narrowed her eyes, and for the first time the danger my disguise was in hit me full force.

"Why do I always have to be up to something in your opinion, Akane?" I replied, at the same voice tone, and now I walked to the hot water tap with firm steps, not intending to let her stop me. The hot water made its trick, and soon enough I was a male inside the female bathroom with my former wife.

"Because there is something fishy here." She gaped at me. "And whatever it is… I don't like it, Ranma. I don't like it one bit."

This time I was the one to glare at her, and I headed out of the female bathroom. Just to find Ryoga at the hall, waiting for Akane.

"Ranma?" He said, confused to see my male self out of the female bathroom with Akane. "What are you doing at the ladies room with Akane?"

"Why hello, Mr. P…" I could feel a well on my chest, mixing hot jealous anger with cold fear of getting caught. But now, male, the worst was over, right? "Chill out, I'm not stalkin' Akane down to the bathroom or something. Had an accident with cold water while I ran out of Jusenkyo soap. So, I got inside the café to look for some hot water and Akane bumped into me, that's all."

"Ran out of Jusenkyo soap?" He furrowed his forehead, then crooked an ironic smile. "How did you manage to do that?"

"By forgetting to order more, of course." I shrugged.

"Why, all you had to do was ask me for some. I keep them in stock." He narrowed his eyes, and for some reason the irony on his voice froze my insides.

"Sure you do, Ryoga." I replied, my uneasiness over his sardonic tone turning into my usual mask of cocky nonchalance. "That explains why we haven't seen P-chan in such a long time, doesn't it?"

"Ranma!" Akane protested. "You're being rude."

"Ain't I always?" I grinned, now really stomping my foot deep down my throat. But this uneasiness, mixed with the anger of seeing him there, playing the "good friend" to Akane yet again while I was there for him, while I was everything he could want on a girl, made my cool turn into smoke. "Anyway, I wouldn't annoy you with my problems, Ryoga. Especially such a minor problem like this when you clearly have other things to do, like finally having a successful date with your former crush. Right, Akane?"

Ryoga, despite glaring daggers at me, did not give in to the obvious provocation. Akane did, of course. "Ranma, what the heck? Ryoga is my friend, what are you talking about?"

"Uh-uh, nothing. Nothing at all." I shook my head, seeing Ryoga finally relax his fists a little and keep his anger in check. "Anyway, I took enough of your time already. See ya around. And Ryoga… Don't leave me waiting for our sparring session, eh?"

"Sure, after all lately I seem to have lost my penchant on keeping you waiting, huh?" He said, ice dripping from his voice – a clear sign he was about to explode. "I'll be there."

Back at the car, I couldn't even enjoy the satisfaction of having Akane to give him – yet again – the 'just friends' speech at his face. All I could think about is why the irony on him to notice that I wasn't using the soap regularly. A part of me kept screaming he  _knew_ , he must be starting to figure it out; but my rational self argued back it made no sense: If he had the slightest idea about who 'Kaori' really was… He was going to explode in wrath and fucking kill me, right? Because no way Ryoga would take any conscious part on a shitload of crap like this, right?

That didn't dissipate my panic on the notion of him sensing the truth somehow. Because if he did, before I had a chance to get to him and make him see… it would be all over. And… The gods forgive me, but I couldn't, I just couldn't let it happen.

But one thing my fear showed me beyond doubt: My days as Kaori were numbered. They must be, otherwise him finding it all out would be a matter of time, plain and simple.

The only thing was… They were numbered all right – and much fewer than I ever imagined them to be.

At that afternoon, after my classes at the dojo, he texted me. Usually it was the other way around: I used to call him, but this time he texted me, something about he'd seen I called him and wanted to see me. I said yes, he asked me to go to his place.

It wasn't wise, not wise at all; 'Kaori' needed to disappear, at least for a while, then… I'd figure something out. But I wanted to be with him again, even if that would be our last time… I dressed myself, rather feminine clothes to make me look sexy. And I looked myself at the mirror to see the reflex of the young woman I was making myself look – and walk, and talk, and behave – the way he'd like best. A part of me was ashamed of this, a part of me wanted to be with him no matter what, but underneath it all I wanted to also be Ranma around him, not a lie. Not "Kaori". I wanted him to spar with me like the old times, then we'd soothe one another's wounds not as fighters or acquaintances; but as friends, as lovers... I wanted him smiling at me,  _me_ , not the fictional woman I impersonated to make him happy. I knew I could be all... If I had the chance to make him understand.

My hands were shaking when I rang his doorbell. A part of me was mad, jealous; other one was scared, wanting to apologize for what I did before, as "Ranma-the-jerk" I have to play around people to keep my image, eager to show him I could be kind and understanding to him as I've been all those time – this wasn't a lie, it wasn't.

He opened the door, and when I looked deep on his eyes I knew – I simply  _knew_  he was absolutely mad. His emotional shield was cracked, and Ryoga – the real one, not his armor - was almost there, on the surface. I almost went away, but he gestured me to come in, and as I did he embraced me from behind, nuzzling at my hair and then turning me to coop my face in his hands. His eyes were burning me, worse than ever, and I positively knew then and there he was aware of what was happening. I choked on my shame, my regret, and all the times my conscience screamed at me how wrong was that I was doing came at once.

The kiss came, slow and heavy and so very intense; already tasting like a goodbye.

"Come with me" He whispered on my ear just after we broke it.

"Where to?"

"Bathroom." His voice lacked the playful tone it usually had when he proposed those tricks to me. "Doing it on the hot tub would be a good change, don't you think?"

I froze in place, and this time there was no way I could've hidden my trembling from him. " _No, no, no, nonononono_ " was the only thing I could think about, but I forced myself to say otherwise.

"Ah… I don't dig it too much."

His eyes glared at me, despite his face didn't change a bit of his former expression.

"So," He said, as slowly as he could. "Why is it? Don't you like water?"

"Not much-"

"I know it's a bit cold for that, but the heater here is very good." His fingers were flicking a lock of my hair, but his expression was visibly hardening.

"I…" I winced away from him, nervous and ashamed to the point my body was tingling. "I'd better go."

"So soon?" He said, his smile dissolving in an angry scowl. "I thought you were up to play tonight."

"That's the point: I ain't playing." My voice cracked, because I knew what I was about to set loose.

"Ohhhh, you ain't playing." His mockingly delicate tone could barely conceal his wrath, and all I could do was wince away from him again. "Then, if you ain't playing, go and get yourself to the hot tub. So we kill the fucking game right here and right now."

"No." I barely whispered. "I can't, I-"

"You can't." He said flatly, cutting me out, while his mask of calculated cool melted away on the old scowl of sheer fury he used to wear when we first met – but this time… This time it wasn't no fucking bread feud, I damn well knew it. "I see. You have not a single whisker of dignity on you, that's what I see."

"It's not wha-"

"Then tell me what it is!" He roared, punching a crack at the wall on his side, furious. "Tell me why the fuck you are doing this to me! Why the fuck did you take it that far, why you had to go and try to seduce me to get to Akane yet again!"

"This has nothing to do with Akane!" I yelled back.

"Oh, really? Really? Then what? What is going on inside this sick head of yours? A challenge? A wager? What?"

"Could you please hear me out?" I screamed, trying to get leverage on him to make him listen to me, but I should know better, Ryoga wouldn't listen to anyone as mad as he was. "I TOLD you already it's got nothin' to do with Akane! It's got to do with you!"

"To ME? You surely got a lot of nerve, don't you?"

"Ryoga, I-"

"Am lying through my teeth, because I was BUSTED in my own game!' Ha-ha, I knew you were a self-centered egoistical motherfucker, but you never, ever cease to surprise me of how low you can sink to save your fucking face."

"I wasn't intending all of this to get this serious, or this big, but then you took me for a random chick at that bar and-"

"I took you for what? Excuse me? This is rich, Ranma" He spat my name as if it were a curse. "I KNEW it was you all along! I KNEW it was you at the very moment Yuri introduced me to 'Kaori'!"

"You… knew?" I felt the blood draining from my face, because I couldn't believe he was serious about that.

"Why, of course. Who do you take me for, the stupid young gullible lost Ryoga you liked to fool pretending to be some lost fiancée, or some schoolgirl, or some random chick interested on poor little me?"

"Then WHY did you go along with this?" This time it was my turn to scream, my shame mingling with the anger of knowing he was trying to fool me and the dread of seeing how we both were ruining the very one thing I wanted so hard to keep. "I NEVER wanted to do it like this! Do you know how many times I wanted you to know who I really was? Do you think I enjoyed all this shit?"

"Honestly? I think you cackled yourself to death on my expense, Ranma. Just as I cackled myself on thinking about how you, the Man Among Men, enjoyed yourself while I fucked you like the cunt you really are-"

My hand connected to his cheek on a loud slap I couldn't barely register I gave him.

"You cackled yourself?" I spat, while he was clutching the side of his face I just hit. "Well, I didn't, Ryoga. Not even once." My voice cracked, and I felt the tears stinging on my eyes as I went on. "I didn't, because you have no fucking idea of how long I wanted to do all I did, on how bad I wanted you to understand a tiny bit of what I felt, how hard and how long I fought it, and yet I couldn't get away from it… I won't lie when opportunity presented itself I-"

"STOP LYING TO ME!" He roared, and I barely blocked the blow he aimed at me. "Shut the fuck up, I don't believe a SINGLE WORD you say, you liar!"

"I AIN'T LYING!" I stepped back, because I didn't want to hit him, but I also couldn't stop my anger. "I am not claiming innocence, granted, but why the fuck do you have to think I did this to make fun of you?" My voice cracked, because my mind whispered to me he did because that was precisely what I used to do.

"Oh, wow" He clasped his hands, laughing maniacally like he used to do when he was aiming to fucking kill me. "That's a good one, because surely you never did it, right? How rude of me to imagine that!"

"I didn't do it to fool you, or to make fun of you…" I tried to ease my voice, choking painfully on my throat. "I did this before, I know. And I am so, so sorry. But not this time. Not this time…"

"Then why?" His maniacal grin turned into an raging scowl. "Why?"

"I…" Now I barely could keep myself from sobbing in front of him, trying my best to keep some measure of dignity. But it was hard, especially when I had to tell him the truth about all that shit. It was hard to fight my instinct of self-preservation from kicking a lie in, but no, not this time.

My voice got caught on my throat, and all I could hear was his furious pants.

"I fell for you…" When I finally got my voice to come out of me, it sounded like a ridiculous sob drenched in shame. But it was there, that time, when I first said it out loud even to myself. I was scared to fucking death, but for a second, a tiny little moment, I felt oh, so brave.

As if I, coming out to him like that, could be able to operate a miracle and make him see the truth as what it was.

But sadly, how could Ryoga Hibiki be used to hear the truth from Ranma Saotome?

My words just managed to hurt him even more; he couldn't even pull out that annoying mask of mock amusement of moments ago. All I could see on his face was pain. Pain that I`ve caused, pain I couldn't take away.

"You…" He was dumbstruck, shaking his head slowly in utter disbelief. "…You motherfucking liar."

"I'm not lying…" My dread turned quickly into despair; because I knew, I fucking knew if he didn't see the truth on my words all would be lost. "Ryoga, please. I know it's totally nuts and I'd not believe it if I heard this myself, but I am not lying to you. Not this time, I swear!"

"You swear? You swear? How dare you? How dare you 'swear' you're doing all this shit because you had feelings for me? How DARE you, when you couldn't even bother to conceal from me how fucking jealous you got of Akane?"

"I wasn't jealous of Akane, I was jealous of you! Can't you see? Can't you fucking see?"

"STOP THAT! What kind of fucking idiot do you take me for?" He screamed, barely containing himself on hitting me again. "Stop saying this shit about how you did this because of me! You didn't! Actually, you never did anything for anyone but yourself, Ranma! Never! And I don't wanna hear any of the load of crap you have to say about why you got to pretend to be a girl to get to whatever." He stepped back, his eyes gleaming from unshed tears, and my heart went to pieces on seeing him on verge of crying, his strength and his wrath mixed with the hurt and fragility I could now plainly see because there were no masks, he was open wide, so much like the old Ryoga he used to be, and who captured my heart – yes, my heart – on that day I saved him, without even trying. "So take it, whatever you want. Akane, victory, your place as the best of Nerima, whatever, I don't care. It's yours. I'm off. I can't do this anymore…" He choked, fighting not to cry the hardest I've ever seen him fight anything in his entire life, me included. "I can't, Ranma. This isn't a game to me…"

He ran off his own apartment, leaving behind his cellphone and his keys, probably to get just as horribly lost as he used to in his teens. I didn't say shit. What could I say, really? That it wasn't a game to me either?

Then I kinda had the sensation he could have felt the same for me. If he knew who I really was from the beginning and he wasn't immune to me…

But I blew it, didn't I? I utterly and completely destroyed beyond repair whatever he could have felt for me. And it, that we could have been something to each other without the lies and the disguises… That we could have had each other, I could have heard him whisper my name to me, my true name to me… I could have been his Ranma, and he my Ryoga, if we just…

I didn't go after him, I couldn't. He left, and I fell to my knees.

Ranma Saotome always wins, right?

That was the moment I lost.

_"If I could start again_  
A million miles away  
I would keep myself  
I would find a way"

OOO

* * *

To the footnotes and rambled reports:

I am back - for good this time, and this is the fucking hardest chapter I've ever written in this fic. Anyway, I hope you guys like it!

Stay tuned!

* * *

Human Being, 05/19/2014

 


	10. All those thing that I've done

  


* * *

**All those things that I've done**

* * *

_"Now I know we said things, did things that we didn't mean  
_ _And we fall back into the same patterns, same routine  
_ _But your temper's just as bad as mine  
_ _You're the same as me  
_ _When it comes to love you're just as blinded  
_ _Baby, please, come back! It wasn't you, baby, it was me  
_ _Maybe our relationship isn't as crazy as it seems  
_ _Maybe that's what happens when a tornado meets a volcano  
_ _All I know is I love you too much to walk away now"_  
Love the way you lie – Eminen/Rihanna

* * *

The writing stopped as little droplets fell on the paper sheet. Ranma touched his face, feeling the wet touch of tears on the tip of his fingers.

He shouldn't be crying, men don't cry. They shouldn't, especially him, Ranma Saotome. The Wild Stallion, wasn't that how they called him on the ring? The Man Among Men, Heir of the Tendo-Saotome Anything-Goes Martial Arts School. All the eponyms he collected along his life, all of them so void of meaning now.

That was the image built for him even since before he was born; the invincible martial artist who would fight his way to victory each and every time. That's what he was raised for, that's what he was taught to be even before he could walk, since his father took him away from his mother at such an early age.

But it wasn't all his father's doing, right? This time, this one… It most surely wasn't. This one was entirely on himself, on his sheer inability to admit defeat and guaranteeing a victorious outcome. His best quality as a fighter… A man who always won because he refused to acknowledge defeat by any means necessary.

…And he thought he had learned his lesson through his marriage with Akane…

He couldn't recall how long he stayed at Ryoga's place after he left, drenching on his lingering absence. His comeback to his own apartment was a slur of a speeding ride beneath a veil of tears, and on his way he – then a she – stopped for a while in order to clear his eyes and be able to see without wrecking himself on a car crash.

That surely would be fun, dying as a girl. Fitting, maybe.

He didn't go after Ryoga. He didn't even try; because he knew he had no right to do it. He couldn't bring himself to tell him he was sorry; not when he knew Ryoga wouldn't ever want to see him again, let alone listen to whatever reasons he would ever have to justify his acts. Not that he wasn't worried about him getting lost in some woods or anything, even though he was ticked and mad enough to not being able to find his way out a closet., but at the same time his worries told him he wasn't used to wander away with his stupidly heavy backpack as an itinerant martial artist, he also knew he had now money on his pocket and some credit cards on his name to prevent him to go straight into the wild and keep on the urban zone.

It was days ago.

However, a part of him knew exactly where he would end up; and that would be the biggest irony of all: His own acts, his own deeds would drive him straight to Akane's arms; and there would be nothing he could do. And another part of him was also mad at Ryoga's words still stinging on his head, saying he went along it all to get to him and, in his own words, seeing him "enjoying himself on being fucked as a cunt 'she' really was". And hearing this got him murderously mad, because despite all the lies and everything he did open up, he did let Ryoga in; like he never did to anyone. Not even to Akane. Beneath the disguise of Kaori, he was now sure that many things inside that lie were actually true.

The kisses they shared, the touch of his skin. The way he, as a 'she', used to caress his face and kiss his cheeks, seeking intimacy amidst the lie of a false identity. The way he believe his folly of how he could win his heart, and Ryoga's resolute determination while they were sparring at his dojo, the way he tried to guard himself from getting hurt, just to have it backfired against him, backfired against them both…

The notebook where he's been writing went flying through the wall, breaking the oppressive silence of his room.

Yet another insomniac night.

OOO

"Ranma, boy, pay attention!"

"Sorry, Pops" He said, standing up from the floor rather sheepishly for his standards.

"Oh yeah, you'll be really sorry when your opponent kick your lame ass, that's for sure. Because he will, if you keep up like this."

He could feel the frustration on his father's voice right after he knocked him out – again, and he surely did understand why: He had a match scheduled and simply couldn't bring himself to make his training work.

Sure, he already found himself on the situation of having to focus while in trouble on his personal life and get himself ready for a match, but in the end he always managed to, as people used to say,  _deliver_. Actually, he used to find solace from his troubles in the art, on his training, on winning. But now the insomnia and lack of will to make even the simplest tasks of his everyday routine were charging their price even at his so-called flawless professional commitment; and to the disbelief of all people who relied on that, these were the days when Ranma Saotome just couldn't put his shit together.

And a huge load of shit it was.

The very idea of Ryoga knowing who Kaori actually was and yet giving in, on that perfect first night they had together… It made him want to trash his entire apartment, or grab his car keys and go out to do something really stupid. Instead, he tried to go on with his life, yes, because there was nothing else he could do. The first day after that fight was terrible, but he thought as the days passed by, the pain would ease. It didn't, it only changed – from the acute despair tingling all over his body to a dull and constant ache that was different, but not quite less painful. And he missed him, he did – more than he ever thought it to be possible. It was getting harder and harder to keep up with the impenetrable façade he helped to build around himself, especially when the one person who ever saw beyond the "man among men" was the very same person he had hurt the most.

And, while lost on his thoughts, he barely could perceive his father charging at him, and thus he was unable to block him properly and went – yet again – straight to the mat floor.

"Okay, pops, okay, get off me!" He patted the mat, and his father immediately rose up. "I got your point, geez."

"You normally wouldn't break a sweat to stop me, even if I'm charging at your back. And then you'd clock me just fine." Genma mused, and Ranma rolled his eyes to the obvious on his statement. "What the hell is going on? We're sparring, but I can read all over you're simply not here!"

"It's nothing, man, I'm just… I just get some things on my mind and I'm a bit distracted, that's all."

"Distracted? You're completely off!" Genma snorted. "And you were improving so fine when you were sparring with Ryoga… Anyway, where is he? Got lost already?"

Ranma gritted his teeth, but of course his father wouldn't notice.

"So, boy, are you so off I don't even get an answer?"

"I don't know, Pops." He finally answered, filtering the best he could everything on his voice that could give him in. "We had a misunderstanding, then he dashed away and I haven't seen him ever since."

"Wait, are you worried about the Hibiki boy?" His father furrowed his forehead. "C'mon. I bet he's gonna be back to seek revenge yet again in no time."

Ranma bit his tongue in order to stop himself from telling his father to go fuck himself. And, with the corner of his eye, he saw his day was about to get even worse.

"That is… Appaling." Nabiki Tendo was standing on the doorway, arms crossed in her chest and the ever present unreadable expression on her face. But her words were unmistakable, as she surely didn't like to see her 'hen that lay golden eggs' performing so poorly on a training session almost month close to a match.

"Nah, don't worry." Genma snorted to her. "The boy has been odd for the last days, but I think it's no reason to postpone the match…" Then the hard disapproving gaze of his father fell on him."…yet."

"I hope not, because it surely wouldn't be financially interesting." Nabiki answered in her usual emotionless voice.

"I gotta go bathe" Ranma said, walking away from Nabiki. Despite his business connections with her and her undeniable talent and wit as the agent behind the Tendo-Saotome Anything-Goes Martial Arts School, today the very sound of her voice would be able to set him off.

"Then, could you meet me at The Main Dojo?"

"At your house?" Ranma slowly turned to face her, the very idea of going to the former Tendo Dojo, of all places, souring his mouth even further.

"We need to discuss some points about your next match." Nabiki answered, tilting her head and pointedly ignoring his evident discomfort. Granted, after his divorce he still kept going to the Tendo Dojo then and there, and that surely meant meeting with Nabiki – and Akane – on a regular basis. Usually he'd see no problem in that, but it was hardly the case now: He couldn't even imagine how he'd meet Akane, of all people, after everything that happened between him and Ryoga.

Yes, because  _of course_  Ryoga must have been there already, furious and broken, and  _of course_  he'd seek solace and consolation on Akane's arms after being yet again fooled by Ranma on the biggest and sickest prank 'Ranma-the-jerk' would ever pull out.  _Of course_  Akane would immediately sympathize with Ryoga and loathe his actions as "Kaori" – as she said she would when she warned him she sensed he was 'up to something she wasn't liking'; and despite his rather good relationship with her after their breakup, he knew not everything between them was forgiven and forgotten. Right now, he could almost sense how both of them would be licking each other's wounds; it would be nearly impossible for Ryoga not to mistake this comfort for love and fall for her. Not that Akane would fall for him, though, but despite that Ryoga's heart would belong to her yet again.

"Unless, of course, you see a problem on that…" Nabiki said, raising her eyebrow at his lack for an answer.

"No, not at all." Ranma took a deep breath and closed his eyes. "At dinnertime?"

"Yes, it can be." She answered, and anticipated the ever present joke he'd not make at that time. "Don't worry, Akane won't cook."

OOO

The Tendo Dojo, the place where he lived through his late adolescence and the early years of his marriage, didn't change much. The only things missing, he mused, would be de duck-shaped door signs at the girls' rooms; but the rest of the house looked amazingly the same, filling him with a hauntingly eerie sensation that time had frozen inside the house on that part of his past. A time where them all still retained the faith in life only innocence could make them possess, an innocence he didn't have anymore. Not that he didn't have this impression on other times he visited the house, but he was having a much harder time on suppressing them this time.

Yet, other memories lingered on him while he walked towards the dining room to meet Nabiki in a rather informal business conversation, which took place rather smoothly despite the memories of his heavy arguments with Akane, subtle bickerings with Nabiki herself, and how he constructed and deconstructed the pillars of denial where he tried to support his marriage and escape from the feelings that, when set loose, took him to the best he ever felt and the worst he'd ever done.

However, the composure he was trying to keep almost slipped when Akane walked on them, her eyes gleaming with an intense disbelief – and contempt - on seeing him there; which denounced to him she already knew everything that happened, and was about to let her anger out any minute now. On other times the sight of Akane in righteous mode would irritate him to his very core, but now he couldn't escape a sense of deservedness.

After he and Nabiki finished his conversation, he stood up to walk through the house to the Dojo, knowing that Akane would follow him there to confront him one last time.

That dojo, which was impregnated of memories of his past with Akane, and his past with Ryoga, where none of them could ever guess things would go this way, this wrong.

He took a deep breath as he literally felt Akane entering the Dojo and standing at his back.

"You've literally outdone yourself this time; haven't you, Ranma?" Akane's voice was low as he remembered it to be when she was really mad on their former fights. That alone was once able to tick him off and get him started to a hell of a fight, but all he could do was let a humorless laugh escape through his nose and lips.

"He's already been here to cry you a river, I suppose." He said, the pain in his chest was almost unbearable as he realized that he, the  _villain_ , would be yet again nailed in a cross by Akane's righteousness, just as always.

Like if he didn't fucking knew what he'd had done.

"He told me, but before that I kinda guessed it when I saw your spare number at his phone and you showed up on the same café we were as a girl. And I really didn't understand why I felt so surprised, because surely nothing would sound more 'Ranma-ish' than this."

"Well, did he mention he knew who I was all along?"

"Does it matter?" Akane said, uncrossing her arms from her chest. "You lied to Ryoga, like you always do – and this is the guy you claimed to  _love_  when we broke up. So, Ranma, where is the love? Huh? Or were you lying back then, too?"

"I never claimed to… love him back then." The word 'love' coming from her mouth made some of his fury to deflate a little, but not enough to disarm his belligerence. "And I don't see how my feelings about it would matter to you now."

"They do." She said, in a shaky tone. "They do because it was for them you married me. It was because of them I got involved on all of this. And you lied to me as well, didn't you? I asked you why you were doing that, because you practically validated our marriage when you stood there and said nothing. But back then I thought you loved him but you were scared and couldn't deal with that. That, I could understand…" Her voice faltered, but she went on. Akane surely had her flaws, but she was a goddam fighter – that no one could deny, him least of all. "But what I don't understand, Ranma, is you doing this  _now_ , to him, of all people. Why the hell are you so fond of lying and hurting people to get what you want?"

"I see..." Ranma faced her, his eyes wet with tears he wouldn't let fall out. "And you know what? You were right. I loved him even back then, and I couldn't deal with that. And then I lied to you, because I couldn't see myself as the fucking pervert who liked a boy instead of my girl. On that, you are absolutely right. And, as I couldn't sort my shit outta that, you were the easy way out, and I took it. Yes, blame that on me. And then we didn't work out together, you got to get the truth out of me, we broke up, and I found an opportunity to approach him as a random chick hangin' around. There you go, I took again the easy way out, blame that on me too. But don't worry, because now that I am ready to deal with this I won't, because there won't another chance for me to straight the things up to him, no matter how much I want to. I've hurt you, I've hurt him, I've hurt myself. Every-fucking-body is hurt on the expense of Ranma Saotome. There. Are you satisfied?"

"Satisfied? No, Ranma, I am not ' _satisfied_ '" She shot back. "Do you honestly think this half-assed excuse of yours would get someone 'satisfied'? This goes way deeper than that, you moron. Because I didn't deserve what you did to me, and he didn't deserve what you did to him either-"

"What, you think I deliberately hurt you both? As for our marriage, there wasn't one single day I didn't regret draggin' you into this. Not one single day, Akane, and I surely paid my price on turning out to be a bitter motherfucker for that, as you know so well. But then here I am talking to Nabiki about some match I have to attend, because Ranma Saotome has his obligations towards the Tendo-Saotome School of Martial Arts. And then I had to marry you – or some of the other fiancées falling on my fucking lap, for that matter – because I was the heir of the Tendo-Saotome School of Martial Arts; my father's life project, and your father's as well. Before that I had to tag along with ten years of training away from my mother, a curse that turned me into a girl – the very same girl you used to accuse me so much of exploiting in my own behalf, all of it because I had to do whatever people expected of me. And I, the ever selfish crude jerk, wasn't even enough of a jerk to tell people to fuck off."

"It doesn't excuse you from what you did!"

"It surely doesn't, and I didn't say that." The tears were now on his cheeks and he raised his hand to wipe them out rather angrily, but he was way past caring about showing frailty now. "And that's where my regret comes from. Or do you really think I married you because I wanted it to go that wrong? No, Akane. I honestly and wholeheartedly wanted things between us to go right. Hell, the heaven knows how much I wanted to love you, to feel for you…" His voice faltered as he saw the tears on Akane's face. "…the same thing I felt for him."

"Honestly, I can't believe you couldn't see how wrong things would turn."

"I thought I'd grow to love you eventually, I told you that already." Ranma answered, in a thick voice. "I was wrong."

"Well, I can clearly see that. But this is all behind us now." She paused. "That's not why I am here."

"I kinda guessed that, too."

"So, what about what you did to him?"

"As for Ryoga…" Ranma lowered his head, his voice choking on his throat. "Fuck me if it's not eating my insides. You may find it hard to believe, but I did know it was wrong, from the very beginning…"

"Then why did you do it?"

"Have you ever been that obsessed about someone, Akane? Got into something you knew it was going to get fucked up, but simply couldn't stop yourself because at the same time you wanted it so much, so much, that you were willing to take the risk and try to work the shit out?"

"There's not much to work out of that, Ranma. But, as usual, you didn't realize that."

"I did. There wasn't one single time in the middle of all this crap I didn't realize how wrong it was. There wasn't one single moment out of that in which I didn't crave to tell him I was me. But what choice did I have?"

"Do you think lying your way to his bed qualifies as a choice? You didn't have it to begin with! Why didn't you say the  _truth_?"

"Oh yes, you mean like 'Hey, Ryoga, it's me, Ranma. I'm in disguise as a chick on a club because I was here to hang out without being harassed, but you see, I've been kinda obsessed with you for, like, the past ten years? And I'd really like to kiss you, to be with you. Can I? By the way, you don't mind I'm actually a guy, do you?' That would have been great."

"Oh well, by not doing just that you didn't give him his deserved chance to say no..."

"Which he actually got, did you miss the part where I told you he knew who I was from the beginning?"

"…And you also lost a chance to have him saying yes."

He stayed silent.

"…I know." Ranma muttered several moments later, eyes watering and fixed on the ground. "After the first night we spent together, I was willing to never do it again. I really was, no matter how perfect it came to be, I knew how fucked-up that was. But then we were officially introduced and he met you again and… I felt jealous of you and him. Scared to death he'd come and fall for you all over again, just like he did when he played P-chan for you. I mean, how on earth could I compete with that as Ranma Saotome?" Another moment of silence, where Ranma nervously licked his lips. "So I played P-chan for him; sort of. Not as a pet, sure, but I was also impersonating someone I thought he wanted me to be. And now I understand how hurt he must have felt playing your pet pig, because it hurts like hell."

"It doesn't come even close of the 'P-chan' thing, Ranma. To compete with me, you took it to a whole new level."

"Don't you forget he could have stopped that at any moment! I am not pleading innocence, but I am not the only one to blame!"

"Did you hear me saying that to you?" Akane retorted. "But I am here calling you out on your mistake, not on his. Yes, of course he has his good share of responsibility, but come  _on_ , Ranma. You know why he tagged along on this."

"No, I don't."

"You do. You witnessed it yourself, over and over again. How did he learn the Bakusai Tenketsu? And the Shi-shi-hokodan, do you remember? And why did he accept keeping the P-chan farce? It's how he pursues the things he wants, he takes the hurt on himself. Either to win a fight, or to win someone's love of affection. You know it. You sensed it, and at the times you dueled with him you used it on your behalf."

"What, are you comparing this to the times he challenged me back on our teens?" Ranma retorted. "Because if you're doing this, I can hardly get your point here."

"Because you worked on in the very same way!"

"Now I was not trying to  _defeat_  him." Ranma spoke slowly.

"You were trying to  _win_  him." Akane shot back, in the same voice tone. "And that's the darned problem here: Being with someone isn't supposed to be a challenge!"

Both of them stayed in silence, heavy and awkward.

"How is he?" Ranma's voice sounded unusually quiet.

"Mad, sad, broken, furious…" Akane sighed.

"And now you're comforting him, right?" Ranma couldn't keep the bitterness from reaching his voice. "How nice."

"I am being the friend he needs me to be. Despite everything, we do have this connection as friends, we always did."

"Which he'd read wrong all the time."

"You know better than anyone he'll never be anything but a good friend to me."

"I do, you do, but does he? Or will he fall for you, all over again?"

"I don't' think so. I seriously doubt he'd have any hots for me at this point of his life. Besides, he knows I'm with Shun now, having a sane relationship for a change."

"Is it?"

"It is, despite of his phobia of dogs. Seems this thing of men with animal phobias kinda chases me."

"Heh." Ranma gave out another humorless laugh, followed by another moment of awkward silence.

"When he first told me what happened… " Akane started, pensively. "When he confirmed my suspects about what were you doing… I hated you. Man, I hated your guts, really, because I couldn't believe you'd have the nerve of doing it. I mean, I know you pulled that trick out of your sleeve time and again, but I'd never imagine you'd take that so far as you did. But now… Talking to him, and talking to you… I know what a healthy relationship can be, and all I can feel is that I am sorry for you both. You may like each other, I'd even say you both may even love each other... But, if anything, my relationship with you taught me 'love' isn't enough to keep two people together."

"Wow, am I now talking to 'Akane the Counselor'?"

"Maybe." She said. "But I rather say that as 'Akane the Friend'."

"Okay." Ranma nodded, getting her point. "And what did 'Akane the Friend' tell him about that?"

"Not much. Don't ask me to meddle into this, because there's no way in hell I am going to play 'translator' between you both." She stated. "If you both get to be together, you got to sort things out – and set them straight. So let's say – you  _do_  love him. But it doesn't change the fact that the way you behave around people is sick, as is the way you love. And the way he loves you back even sicker, lest he wouldn't let it all happen." She headed to the door, but turned to face him once more. "And I seriously think you both should stay away from each other until you figure out a way to make it happen without one tearing the other into shreds."

And as he found himself alone, he couldn't stop himself from seeing how right she was.

OOO

* * *

 

Human Being, 06/03/2014

 


	11. Atonement

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

* * *

**X**

* * *

**Atonement**

* * *

_"You want a revelation, some kind a resolution…_  
 _No light, no light in your bright blue eyes_  
 _I never knew daylight could be so violent_  
 _A revelation in the light of day_  
 _You can't choose what stays and what fades away"_  
No light, no light – Florence and the Machine

* * *

Ranma was inside the gymnasium locker room, wrapping his hands for the fight to come. A ritual he performed countless occasions in his life, each and every time he prepped himself to a match in the high-end professional circuit and in which he used to focus solely on the repetitive movements of the elastic bands enveloping his hands and wrists; like a soothing mantra that emptied his mind of anything else but the challenge to come.

Fat chance of that happening now.

Not that he didn't miss him before, when he used the art as an escape route out of his troubles. But now even something as ordinary as a match was able to trigger the ache on his chest – that never quite left him, anyway. blocks, dodges, Armlocks, leglocks, roundhouse kicks; he would remind the way he saw  _him_  doing that while they were sparring, and then… he'd remind how they rolled and pinned each other on the training mat at his dojo just to roll and pin each other on the bed.

There, damage done.

He breathed, letting the air in and out as slowly as he could. No matter how much of a wreck he was now, this was his game – and the gods knew he was top of his game, period. Because he was Ranma Saotome, a man who could overcome literally everything on his way to victory due to his talent, confidence and quick wit, coming out with a perfect way to sense his opponent's weak spots and mercilessly attack them until he broke them down. That's what he was built for, trained for, wasn't that?

" _Precisely what you did to him"_  his mind whispered, and he sucked a sharp breath in. " _Did you win?_ "

That was different, it was not a fight. A challenge, maybe, but not a match between him and his former rival…

" _Did you_  win _?"_

"Boy" His father's voice snapped him out of that. "C'mon."

"Showtime" He muttered, standing up and tilting his neck, to then walk out of the locker room and face his opponent.

OOO

The roars and chants of the crowd were loud on his ears – something that used to fire him up, as if he was getting the proper recognition he always deserved for being the Man Among Men. They screamed and praised the Wild Stallion, waiting for the good show he'd been always able to put on.

His opponent tried to hit him with a roundhouse kick, which he easily dodged. His father would say he'd better show off, make him mad, because pissed people were usually worse fighters – and the old man was right, he really had his share of angering his enemies into gross stupidity and no one could say it didn't work. ' _Anger them, humiliate them, then exploit their weak spot as much as you can_ ', that voice was so old on his head he couldn't really tell whose voice was that, his or his father's. It didn't really matter, though, because his or his father's, he'd always listened to it.

It was the practical thing to do, right? Because it always led him to be the flawless winner people always relied on him to be.

Better not disappoint them, right?

One of the attacks of the other guy broke into his defenses, though, and connected sharply to his sides, sending sharp pain through all his body. 'The path of victory is made of pain', he'd remind some ancient wisdom, but he was taught all his life this pain doesn't have to be necessarily  _his_. Another blow went through, and his father's voice rang on his ears, urging him to  _pay attention_. "Not a good time to have those enlightenments", he thought to himself, and leapt away from the guy to strike him back as fast as he could without breaking the Tenshi Amaguriken technique – but close enough to be almost as fast while still legal on the fight. His opponent retreated in a way that reminded him of his… former sparring partner, he thought in a conscious effort to avoid thinking of his name, but not even this was able to block the pain that anything related to him was able to trigger on his chest.

The opponent sensed his distraction and connected a blow at his face like if he was a fucking  _beginner_ , and anger flared on him. He charged at his fullest speed, clocking him with a hard blow at his jaw. His opponent staggered, but recovered quick enough to hit him on that same side again – but he was so fucking angry he wouldn't feel a thing even if the guy managed to rip his head off. He moved forward, taking the blows aiming to corner the fucker to then pin him on the floor; and the way he took the guy's blows mindlessly out of anger reminded so much of  _him_ , and a part of him thought those blows were somewhat deserved – which only fueled his anger even more. He managed to pin the guy on an armlock that could snap his forearm if he pressed a bit stronger – which, by the way, he was about to do if the ref didn't split them apart.

The bell rang, and while someone was fixing the cut on his eyebrow he had to put up with his father yelling at him on how he lost his cool like that, because if he snapped the guy's arm he was going to be disqualified like some half-assed amateur. Amidst the lecture, his sides were flaring in pain despite his hot blood – he sensed once he cooled down, it would surely hurt as fuck. He eased the pain with some of his chi, doing it easier than before due to the anger on his system.

His time was up, and there he was back to the fight. He wanted to do it the way he always did, but he soon realized he couldn't – he was distraught, angry and uneasy for quite some time now, leading too many blows in. But the anger also worked him into getting tougher than before, lending him stamina he usually didn't have. He charged again, ignoring the pain on his sides – which was getting significantly worse – and the pain on his face and ankle, knowing he'd not finish it by fucking points. He wanted a knockout, he wanted to punch him, he wanted to let his anger out through his fists, no matter what and despite his father protests.

He realized he was fighting just like Ryoga used to do when he knocked the guy out – clouded by anguish he knew not to be his element at all.

And for some reason, it felt somewhat  _right_.

OOO

Ranma was sitting on Ucchan's balcony, having an okonomiyaki and sipping some diet iced tea.

"Well Ranchan" Ukyou, sitting in front of him, spatula in hand while waiting his friend finish his meal. "I am aghast."

"What for?"

"You are still on your first okonomiyaki!" She was looking genuinely surprised. "I positively don't remember you having manners while eating."

"Hn" He nodded, rather annoyed. "I am not sixteen anymore, so I can't stuff myself on goodies while I'm not allowed to work my ass out."

"Are you sure it doesn't have anything to do with your wounds?"Ukyou noticed the way he shifted on his seat, maybe trying to switch the weight of his body away from the parts that still hurt. A souvenir from his last match, which he won, yes, but at a significantly higher price than his other fights. The sprained ankle and the split brow were the quick to heal, but the two cracked ribs were still markedly bothering him to that day, almost a month after that match.

Ranma groaned at the memory of that, though. The wounds were a statement to a fight he took a hard time to finish. Not that his opponent – despite well-ranked enough to be a good challenge – was exceedingly good; much the other way around. His hard time didn't come from one of his opponent's best days, but from one of his worst ones. And his rather pale performance was quickly analyzed – and criticized – by many people.

"The ribs still bother me a little." He trailed off, and Ukyou seemed pensive.

"As I heard once" He muttered, and she was listening. "It only hurts while I breathe."

"Ranchan" Ukyou rested his spatula at his cooking pan, and sat in front of him. She still didn't say a word, but the command in her eyes was clear.

"Say" He said instead. "Have you heard from Ryoga?"

"Don't hear from him in a good while, I think he's off to some photoshoot on Southern Asia. Or at least that's what his friend said my boyfriend." She answered. "Wonder if the jackass forgot how not to get lost already."

The old Ranma Saotome would laugh at the remark, but the person he was now did not find it funny at all. " _It's this way, dummy_ ", he heard himself as a girl, laughing softly at Ryoga to then grab his hand and push him to her side – not the patronizing aid he'd get from Akane or Akari, but the helping hand of someone who still reckoned him as a smart and capable guy who just mistook right from left sometimes. A person that made mistakes, like anybody else.

Anybody else but Ranma Saotome.

He missed the humanity of Kaori. He did.

Then he realized Ukyou's eyes were on him, as she was a little taken aback by his lack of reaction at her remark.

"He's not stupid, you know" He muttered in the same low small voice he used before.

"I didn't say that." Ukyou answered. "And I kinda miss him too, y'know. It's just…" She paused. "He could have said goodbye."

"He could." He sipped a glass of iced tea.

"I heard through a friend of my boyfriend his friends are back, so he must be around." She said. "Anyway, I guess Akane must know something about him, if it bothers you that much."

"I won't ask  _Akane_  about him."

She eyed him in silence.

"Did you read it?" Ranma asked on a much quieter voice.

"I did." Ukyou handed him a black notebook. "A true pageturner, Ranchan."

"I bet it was." He said, trailing off to silence. "I heard once it was good to write down stuff while making an open and honest inventory of our own feelings, and then give it to someone we care about to read it so we know someone know us from inside out and still cared… I am sorry to ask you this, but I couldn't think of someone else."

"Not even Shampoo?"

"Shampoo is a friend now, but she's not Ucchan." He answered quietly. "I do see you as one of my best friends, Ukyou, I've always seen."

She remained silent.

"Did you…" Ranma licked his lips nervously, but he had to go on. "Did you love me back then? I mean, really love me?"

"Well… You were a handsome boy, I did feel attracted to you back then. And I was bound on my honor to marry you, since you and your father rejected me like that." Her lips quivered a bit. "As if I wanted to proof myself you both were wrong, and I was good enough to make you mine and take that back…"

"We were wrong, my father and I." Ranma paused. "You were way better than enough, Ucchan."

"It was not what I could call love now, that's for sure." Ukyou said. "But it could have been, given proper time and… development."

They shared a moment of awkward silence.

"Don't you hate me?" He seemed genuinely worried. "I mean, for not returning your feelings, for staggering around my indecision, for taking advantage of Akane, for what I did to get to him and… If I had married you,  _could_  have been you on her place."

"It was hard…" She started. "I'd never imagine I'd see you like this, if you didn't show it to me before my own eyes, and for many moments I did feel bad for them and pissed at you. But it showed me many sides of you I didn't know that were there at all." She paused. "And… It kinda made me think too, see? On how many of us – Akane included, in a way – laid claim on you without even knowing who you really were, what you really felt."

"I could have walked away, I didn't."

"Neither you would, Ranchan, and everything written here is a statement to that." She said. "I think… now I can really say I  _know_  you."

"I hope you're not disappointed…"

"No, not at all." She lifted her hand to shake his. "I'm really pleased to finally meet you, Ranma Saotome."

"And I you, Ukyou Kuonji." He laughed as softly as his ribs allowed him to while returning the handshake. "You can still call me Ranchan, though."

Another awkward moment of silence followed.

"And here I am around yet another gay best friend." She sighed in mock dismay. "I bet Ucchan's to turn into a gay bar one of these days."

"Hey-"

"Oh wait, before I hand you the title of 'gay best friend'… You don't have any hots for Keichi-honey, do you?"

"Look at you, so full of yourself because you're dating a pretty piece of ass." He mocked her. "He's no Ryoga, but I think he'll do."

"Jackass" She said. "Stay away from him."

"I'll try my best." Ranma breathed in a mock sexy tone, to which Ukyou laughed hard. He didn't follow her on the laughs, though, due to his tender ribs.

"What do you plan to do?" Ukyou asked.

"About what?"

"You. Him… This."

"Sometimes… I want to go after him, talk and try to sort things out. Other times I want to beat some sense into that thick head of his and make him see how I feel, but if I don't want him to think I'm trying to control him into doing what I want. Then I end up doing what I'm doing now: nothing." Ranma paused. "What do you think I should do?"

"That's a really hard one, because you  _do_  owe him an apology, but you also know he isn't exactly forgiving." Ukyou frowned. "A fine piece o' mess you got yourself here, Ranchan."

He eyed the floor, pensively – A fine piece of mess indeed.

OOO

The conversation with Ukyou got stuck inside his head for days. Not only because it was really nice to find support on her, but mainly because she brought up a good point.

Apologizing to people was hard on him. It equaled as admitting defeat on his head and the gods knew how long it took him to learn that it was much more a display of power than a weakness, but he was never really taught how to account for his own deeds – he surely wasn't the son of Genma Saotome for nothing.

He immediately kicked the thought out of his head, though. Blaming his father was the easy way out, and he was not willing to take that path anymore. Sure, most of his original problems as a teenager were his father's fault, but most of his current problems – and the most serious of his teenage issues – found a very fertile ground on his own lack of responsibility and sense of entitlement.

However, atoning to Ryoga would be much harder than it was to Ukyou or even to Akane, because despite all the resentments they harbored for him (and he for them), at least the girls were  _willing_  to listen to what he had to say, and it surely as hell wouldn't be Ryoga's case. He knew very damn well Ryoga wouldn't even stick around his very presence, let alone hear anything else he could possibly have to say.

He brushed the black notebook where he wrote so many pages in a row on one of his insomniac bouts. Ukyou had read it, coming to know him at least through that, but he still felt that pages belonged to Ryoga, much more than to himself. " _It isn't about having control over him_ " he thought as he imagined Ryoga opening it and reading everything that was there, but he didn't quite expect his forgiveness out of it. What he really wished was that he could read it all and understand even though his acts as Kaori hurt him a good deal, it wasn't his original goal about that. And if he could go back in time and do things differently, he  _would_ , and he didn't feel ashamed of that anymore.

It wasn't a piece of the Ranma Saotome Ryoga used to know, but it surely was a very accurate picture of who he was now. Or, at least, who he was trying to be.

He ripped a blank page off the notebook, and started writing a letter. A rather quick, but soulful note he folded carefully and then tucked inside the notebook, on the very first page. Then he wrapped it and headed to let the notebook and the letter at his house.

A gift to him, like the souvenirs he brought Akane to make her remember him while he was away. A letter to him, like many he wrote as they were young. But this one wasn't a challenge like the ones Ryoga used to send him.

It was an apology.

No matter what happened next – or if Ryoga also had a good share of responsibility as he was aware of whom he really was, or if despite it all Ryoga decided he would never look at his face again… For  _his_  part on this mess, he still owed him that.

OOO

* * *

To the footnotes and rambled reports:

Hey folks,

I don't have much to say about this one, but the fact it was a really hard chapter to write. It was hard to put myself on what I believe to be Ranma's mind, but I expect this to be a good take on that.

And I leave here my special thanks to those who favorited/followed/read the story! Stay tuned, there will be news really soon!

* * *

Human Being, 06/25/2014

 


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